My Public Diary... and Pine Nut Pizzettas

Hmmm.

Some heavy thoughts and some very happy ones are on my mind tonight.

My band just played the Method Fest opening party at Pierce College this evening on a beautiful open-air patio overlooking the lights of LA... And - hold up - interruption:

The music director, Toni Koch, just called me and told me she has my guitar... I left it!

Lol. Thank God I've got people looking out for me. Seriously. Thank you, God.

Anyway... The set went really well, and I'm hearing positive reviews, which feels wonderful. I guess maybe I am going to like this life I've created and am continuing to create for myself. Sometimes it's been so hard and scary to overcome my own self-limiting beliefs, but I'm getting used to operating from a healthier state of mind more often now.

On a bit heavier note, I got a little bummed out and over-tired yesterday night and part of today. And I just read that actor Andrew Koenig took his own life. That kind of news always hits really close to home for me.

Sometimes (most times, probably) we don't want to deal with conflict or painful experiences, and I think generally I do pretty well at staying positive and navigating right around a lot of things that I see other people stress themselves out over. I mean - when my attitude is positive (and when I meditate consistently!), I often don't even have negative experiences and things just seem to have a way of almost magically working out.

Like the other day - literally - I was meditating and having all of these thoughts about arranging catering for my CD Release party, and I hear this woman talking (I was at my gym) "etc etc etc etc CHEF etc etc", so I went and spoke to her, and we had all these things in common. She's tied in with Whole Foods (who might donate bags for the goodie bags anyway), and now we're talking about a little sponsorship deal where she'll likely come on board to provide desserts for my party.

Now, I wish I could say my life is always like that, everything works out, and it's perfect. But... it's not. Sometimes I get triggered and end up in emotional places that I don't want to be in - sad, dark, panicky places - and when that happens, my entire energy is thrown off to the extent that I can see the effect ripple through everything in my life. My interactions with others become awkward, I have a bad set, I lose my car keys. I eat a brownie and a bag of (really good kettle cooked) potato chips and go back to bed.

Here's my positive spin and my take home message for the day, though: I'm noticing that when I start to go to uncomfortable emotional places, I'm coming back from them quicker and with much less damage than before. I really wish it didn't still happen, but it's something I'm going to have to learn to surrender to for the rest of my life. I'm not in control, and all I can do is take positive steps like trying to be forgiving with myself and telling the truth about what I'm going through so I can stop the cycle of isolation and self-destructive behavior. Of course, I have to be very selective about who I surround myself with: people that make me feel safe and supported so that I can take those positive steps and so that I have a positive social environment to come back to. Figuring out who those people are has been a learning curve for me - all I can say is: trust your gut. What feels good is, and what doesn't, isn't.

It's a funny balance: on the one hand, we have to know who we are and not accept less quality than we deserve in the ways we let people treat us and the environments and experiences we subject ourselves to, but on the other hand, it doesn't work to try to control people, environments or experiences.

Here's my current method of coping... It's really pretty simple. I choose not to engage in or with things that make me feel bad (we don't have to take the bait if someone picks a fight, we don't have to talk to someone who hurts our feelings, and we don't have to feel bad for not talking to them). The more we orient ourselves toward enjoyable interactions, the more those become our personal status quo.

My dad said to me once, "Life isn't about figuring out what you like or want to do so much as it is just a process of eliminating what you don't like." Smart guy.

Once I let go of trying to control everything, and just go with what is, things seem to have a way of working themselves out.

God (or the Universe, or whatever you like) is definitely smart. A lot smarter than me.

I'm just glad my guitar is coming home!

Here's a yummy treat: Pine Nut Pizzettas

2-3 Earthgrains 100% Whole Wheat Thin Buns
1 package mozzarella cheese (the good kind - it's usually packaged in water)
1 roma tomato
1 yellow heirloom tomato
4-6 cups fresh baby spinach
1 package fresh basil leaves
2 Tbsp pine nuts
olive oil
cookie sheet

Set oven to 450

Heat a medium-sized pan for a couple of minutes on medium/medium-high heat. Add olive oil and swirl around to cover bottom of pan. Separate bun halves, and when oil is hot, place face down in pan (you may need to just do 2 at a time). Toast buns for several seconds to a minute, and remove from pan with a fork or spatula when the face-side of the bun becomes golden-brown. Place buns face-side up on a foil-lined cookie sheet.

Turn heat to medium/medium-low and add spinach to the pan. Cook, stirring frequently, until spinach has wilted through. Turn off heat and set aside.

On a cutting board, dice freshly washed tomatoes and coarsely chop the basil. Slice the cheese in half, and starting at the inside, cut 4-6 1/4 inch circular slices, plus several more.

Arrange the cheese slices on the buns, breaking them apart and adding extra as needed to mostly cover the bun surface. Divide the spinach between the buns, and arrange it on top of the cheese. Sprinkle the tomatoes and basil evenly between the buns, then sprinkle pine nuts on top.

Place the cookie sheet in the oven and bake until the cheese has just started to melt but is not bubbling (about 5 minutes).

Remove from oven, serve, and enjoy!

Makes 4-6 pizzettas, about 225 calories each.