Starting the Day Out "Right"

Well...

Today was definitely another lesson for me in letting go of control. I *thought* I started the day out right - that if I could just set myself on the proper trajectory, everything would work out fine. Yes, God, I'm listening - only my choices are up to me. Other things won't always go my way (or the way I think they should) and I need to continue nourishing myself and enhancing my ability to adapt to stressful 'triggers' in healthy, positive, constructive ways.

Sometimes I am really impulsive. And sometimes I really regret my choices. Sometimes I put myself in stupid situations. I usually know better. Why (seemingly) can't I control my behavior if and when I DO know it's not apt to lead me where (I say) I want to go??

I have panic attacks. At least for the past half year, the overwhelming emotions and distorted thinking that define them have been seriously interfering with my ability to consistently do what I want to do when I want to do it.

If you aren't familiar with what panic attacks feel like (and they affect different people differently) allow me to try to illustrate the internal chaos I endure for the duration of my typical episodes.

A crescendo: a quiet haze pervading the perimeters of my consciousness, intensifying steadily... The fear begins - oh no, not again, oh no, not now, oh no no no no NO. At this point, if I am with someone safe I can try to alert them, but it becomes exceedingly difficult because as the panic grows, my ability to make eye contact or speak descends into an abyss of embarrassment and paranoia. Pretty soon EVERYTHING is too much... The only analogy I can draw is the way sounds and lights sometimes become unbearable when you have a hangover. Noises, people passing, the feel of air against my skin, a vibration in the floor, bright light... And there is no where to go to get away.

>>>Cut to Ashley crying and hyperventillating in a bathroom stall... Yep. Admittedly NOT a pretty picture. AT ALL.<<<

So (with some coaxing) I take medication (which I'm so angry about, but maybe that's just where I'm at in life right now and I have to accept it) and/or I just HOLD ON TIGHT. Literally. To a door frame, a pillow, a fence.

If I can get away and hide to ride it out, I do. Sometimes, panic and depression sweep me up into a morbid waltz that at worst has lasted weeks at a time. Dark weeks, sequestered in my house, shades drawn against the thoughts of death.

Pain helps - and yes, I recognize the illness in that. Pain that keeps me in my body. Blood that reminds I am here, now, real. Pain that separates the feelings from me - the innocent part of me that is feeling such monstrous... Loathing and dread.

I know this is very heavy subject matter... I promise to write of blissful things soon. But my blog is about being honest, and if anyone can relate, I want them to know they are not alone. I myself know these feelings all too well.

It's really hard when people reject you for being 'too much to handle', 'crazy', or whatever other label they might choose to give it: Ultimately, rejection is rejection. And it often has more to do with what someone sees reflected in YOU that THEY don't want to deal with or be open to in themselves than it does with who you are or your worth as a perfect, beautiful, loving and deserving human being. Imperfection IS perfection. We're all the same recycled energy and matter in ONE universe... How could anything, anyone, or any form be 'wrong'? Just a little... food for thought. ;)

But it does hurt. It hurts to be rejected, it hurts when the people and things you thought you could count on fall away... But it's like burning down what's false so that the truer, stronger structure that's underneath REALLY supporting you can shine through. Infinite goodness exists. It's our expectations that sometimes lead us to overlook it. With a universe so infinitely intelligent, what makes us presume that we can outsmart it?! I am SO guilty of that one. What a fool I am and have been - though now I try to laugh when I realize my folly instead of beating myself up for it. We're just silly little humans! How preposterous would it be for an ant to decide it should make honey when the bees obviously already know better? That's kind of how I feel about my relationship with God at this point, I guess, and it feels really good to surrender.

Anyway.

When my emotions get the better of me, I sometimes have to step back and allow myself to be where I am. That means reaching out (which is SO hard to do) and it also means being adaptable when my plans are no longer the most appropriate course of action considering what have become the current circumstances.

Today I had to accept the help and kindness of strangers. I had to trust people I was fearing and allow myself to be led.

And tonight, I am safe, tucked into bed with some tea, healing, looking forward to sleeping deeply and starting out tomorrow... if not right, at least... Fresh.

Blueberry-Banana Coconut Pancakes

Okay, kiddies - these ones are soooo good for you, and honestly require no butter or syrup because of their natural sweetness. You can also experiment with the ingredients to come up with gluten-free (substitute buckwheat mix) and dairy-free (substitute soymilk) options.

Some of the nutritional benefits include: whole-grain carbs (great for Serototonin production - one of the brain's important Neurotransmitters involved in mood and affect), fiber, tons of potassium and antioxidants from the fruit, protein, heart-protective fatty acids from Coconut oil, calcium from the milk, and much more.

Once you get the recipe down, these actually only take about ten minutes to make, and if you're savvy, you can make about six pancakes and have this wonderful breakfast (I recommend it with a warm cup of jasmine green tea) twice a week.

Here's what you'll need:

Whole-wheat or Bluckwheat Pancake Mix
2-4 eggs
At least one cup milk (1% or skim)
1-2 Tbsp Coconut Oil (can be found at Whole Foods)
1/4 cup shredded UNSWEETENED coconut (Health Food aisle or Whole Foods)
1/2 cup blueberries
1 or 2 medium bananas
canola oil cooking spray
griddle or large pan
spatula

Follow the directions on the pancake mix package depending on the number of pancakes you wish to make. Typically the measurements are something like 1 cup mix, 1 egg, 3/4 cup milk and 1 Tbsp (Coconut) oil.

Whisk or stir ingredients just until blended. You may want to add a couple extra table spoons of milk so that the batter has a thinner consistency (this will help pancakes to cook through).

Set griddle or pan on medium/low heat and let warm up a couple minutes.

(Again depending on your selected serving size) slice 1/4" thick rounds of one banana into batter. Add 1/4 cup blueberries. Add 1/8 cup shredded coconut. Stir all ingredients until blended.

Spray pan bottom with cooking spray and ladle approximately 1/4 cup portions of batter (with fruit) into pan. Be careful to keep pancakes separate, as they will expand. Once edges are firm and bubbles are forming on the surface of the pancakes, use the spatula to carefully flip the pancakes over and cook thoroughly on the second side.

Use spatula to move cooked pancakes onto serving plate and store in 200 degree oven. Coat pan or griddle bottom with cooking spray, ladle in batter and repeat process until all pancakes are prepared. Remove serving plate from oven (with an oven mit!) distribute pancakes to your morning compatriots, and enjoy!

They're perfect with a tall glass of orange juice, milk, or jasmine green tea.

xoxo

Ashley