Well... It's been an interesting past few days. I've worked on and (pretty much) wrapped shoots for videos #4 (Yellow Fields), #5 (Tangled), and #6 (Filter) this week. Tomorrow we film #7 (No Magic) and Monday we film #8 (Unrequited).
Now that's A LOT of music videos in one week.
I've done everything from backwards rollerblading through the metro to kissing (more) handsome strangers to seeing a lizard Vs. cat fight (the lizard lost its tail - it was gnarly). It's been interesting to say the least.
I've also had some - go figure - deep thoughts and painful moments to endure.
Earlier this week, I got pretty unsettled when a schizophrenic youth came up and started talking to me at Starbucks. (Sidenote: I highly commend Starbucks for providing nutrition info and healthy options on their menus.) Anyway, I knew almost immediately that this young man was mentally ill, and it was a profound reality check for me, because I found a lot of thoughts and reactions running through my head:
- he looked more or less "normal" - a decent-looking young man from a middle class home - it was his conversation that tipped him off to me. Whereas most other people would have just thought he was 'weird' and backed away, I saw something more. I found myself wondering, "Why is he here? Doesn't he have anyone who cares about him wondering where he is?" and discovered a secret prejudice operating in my own head: if they're dirty and obviously crazy, then no one thinks to wonder where their families are because of course no one would want them... It's awful, but I think this has been my unconscious line of thinking for a long time. Maybe it's not all bad that I (we?) think this way - it's just ignorant. How else do we cope with the raw, ugly truth confronting us in the form of homeless people on the street every day if we can't rationalize it into something manageable? How do we cope with the knowledge that we 'can't save them all'... We tell ourselves instead to focus on #1.
- although my first inclination was to avoid eye contact and ignore this young man, I realized that this was probably what almost everyone does to him. Instead, I chose to engage; it couldn't hurt me to let him talk while I got my coffee and headed out to my car. After all, what kind of a hypocrite would I be - advocating for Mental Health America, but ignoring a mentally ill young man in my 'real' life? I think questions of fear and safety are very real and must be addressed, but I think sometimes our fear is so automatic because mentally ill people represent what we are not willing to face or are afraid of in ourselves.
It's also been a rough week for me emotionally, with my dark side getting the better of me more than once. Meaning I've been low. I've been fighting being low. But I don't always win, and that scares me more than I can share. I've been unable to get out of bed (I was often dragging myself to shoots), missing workouts, skipping therapy, skipping meditation, eating junk food... A total downward spiral, but once I'm in it's so hard to get out. People literally have to reach in and grab me. Which they do - they know to do - these days. But Oh God it's not pretty. I wish I could always be 'pretty'. I can fake it for a while, but sooner or later... The levy breaks. (xo Led Zeppelin)
I feel tremendously regretful that I drag people through this with me. And tremendously grateful (and astounded) that there are people who still stick by me.
After all, I'm now advocating mental health, so I'm supposed to have it together, right? I SOOOOO don't.
Here's a heavy, nasty, I'm-sorry-I-have-to-say-it topic: suicide. I have a "feeling-low" threshold, and when I cross it (get too low), it's like my brain clicks over into suicide-mode. My thinking changes, and I am gripped by thoughts of how to do it, that I MUST do it, that I only have to go a little longer and then I CAN do it... It's horrible. I try not to take drugs when I can avoid it, but it becomes a question of which evil is worse, and often popping a couple pills and sleeping seems like the only relief I can get. It also seems like the only way to allay the damage I will inevitably cause to myself and my relationships. And then I just pray to wake up with a clear head again. Sometimes I do.
I know (because I hear people say) that people think what on earth could I have to be sad about? I can't explain it - I know I'm not thinking straight when these feelings get the best of me. I feel like a selfish @$$ when my mind comes back to me... Because the truth is that by not valuing myself, I'm devaluing someone and something that a lot of people do believe in. If you love your mom or your sister or your friend and I tell you I think she's so worthless she doesn't deserve to live, I'm totally insulting you. Slipping into a suicidal mindset is a grave insult to all of my friends and family - and everyone else around me.
I guess my little take home message here is to just keep working at recovery even when the going is hard and even when I feel alone. I know I'm not alone. This week my poor parents and a couple close friends got hysterical calls from me begging for help when I really felt like I was going to lose control.
I've been to the hospital before. I've overdosed twice. It's NOT fun.
I have to advocate for my OWN mental health when I feel the landslide starting; I have to let people know what's happening and take responsibility for addressing it so I can be better and functional again as soon as possible. Fortunately, I think the turn around time for me is quicker these days, but sometimes I really do get scared that I'm going to lose it all and have to hit bottom. I hope not. There's a lot of cool stuff happening, a lot of people involved, and it's a lot bigger than me now... I don't want to let the people who believe in me down.
I'm really grateful that I have people in my life who can be loving and not blame or shame me for this 'condition' that I STILL don't want to believe I suffer from. I'm grateful I was able to reach out and I'm grateful that when I did, there were safe people there to help me. I've also been punished and ignored when crying for help before, and that kind of treatment only makes the depression and the self-destructive urges worse. That's a pretty bad kind of hurt. It's heartbreak.
In one of my emails with MHA this week, Mike Turner, VP of Resource Development mentioned to me that "fifty percent of people living with mental health issues never ask for help".
Some of us don't know what's 'wrong' with us. Some of us are literally blind to our own illness. Most of us are afraid. And some just don't have anyone qualified or caring enough to turn to.
My prayers are with the young man I met at Starbucks. I hope being listened to and treated with kindness was at least a little relief for him. I might not be able to save the world or even myself, but it sure feels good whenever I can do even one little thing right.
Everything - no matter how big or small - starts with just one move in the right direction.
2-for-1 Rosemary Chicken
This one's pretty simple and it's good for two (or more) delicious meals. Plus, rosemary sauteed in olive oil until it's crispy is unbelievably good - and not a particularly well known edible. Enjoy!
1 package boneless, skinless organic or free-range chicken breast
olive oil
1 package rosemary sprigs
fresh ground pepper
sea salt
1/4 tsp onion powder
1/4 tsp garlic powder
Heat a medium skillet on high. Add a generous amount of olive oil to coat the skillet. Place chicken breasts (butterflied and halved if thicker than 3/4 inch) in pan and season with salt, pepper, onion powder and garlic powder. Cover skillet with lid and let breasts fry until golden on one side (about 3-4 minutes). Carefully (using lid to block oil spitting from pan) turn breasts over with a fork. Replace lid and let fry an additional 2-3 minutes. When breasts are nearly done (no longer pink in center), scatter freshly washed and de-stemmed rosemary sprigs across the top. Replace skillet lid, lifting to stir intermittently, until rosemary sprigs have become crisp and lightly browned in the olive oil.
Transfer chicken and rosemary to a serving plate. Serve with Simply Potatoes mashed sweet potatoes and steamed broccoli.
THEN....
Refrigerate leftover chicken. Cut one breast into bite size pieces and toss with 2 cups freshly washed and chopped romaine, one washed and chopped roma tomato, 1/2 of one peeled, sectioned and chopped navel orange, 1/2 of one sliced avocado, and 1/4 cup cucumber slices. Drizzle with 1 Tbsp olive oil and 1/2 or 1 Tbsp of balsamic vinegar. Voile - a delectable salad for lunch!
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