Sex and Insecurity... and Easy At-Home Indian Cuisine

Video #1 is wrapped!

We shot all day and it brought up so much for me to ponder.

First off - I feel good about it and had a lot of fun.

Secondly...

Video #1 is sexy/racy... And here's a pretty major confession: I did my first kissing scene EVER today. All of these years of 'acting' and I've ducked that one until now, actually. The truth is, I was SCARED.

I feel really fortunate: I surrounded myself with a really safe team of people, and nothing that happened today is anything I feel bad or unprofessional about. And that's important, because ultimately it is ME who needs to be able to live with myself and feel okay about my choices, and I am learning to figure out what *I* really feel and believe now. Somehow I really lost touch with knowing my own truth for a significant part of my life.

Quick credit: My love interest for this video was my friend Joel from an acting workshop, and I couldn't have picked a better guy to test my little wings with. Thank you, Joel. And thank you to the director, Brian, for providing me with a safe experimentation-realm, to Morgan for all of her help and female support, and to our make-up artist Nicole for all of her help and support (and for making me look my best) as well.

Back to grappling with sexy-sexy. So here are some of the thoughts that came up for me: "am I being a slut?", "will certain people hate me now?", "do I look fat?", "my scars show", "I look ugly", "am I setting a bad example (for little girls)?", "what if I'm really a terrible actor?", "am I selling out?", and SOOOO much more.

Devastating, painful thoughts. Rampant insecurity. I guess my answer to all that was to embrace the challenge and say "NO. I DO deserve to operate with the belief that I am a beautiful, empowered woman and I have NOTHING to feel bad about in being okay with loving my body (and ultimately myself) just as it is/I am." As I said, I didn't do anything 'unprofessional' or that I didn't feel comfortable with... I guess in a way I am exploring some of my limits and figuring out just how far is too far, what I am NOT willing to do.

For the sake of art, and for the sake of communicating stories, I must be willing to be honest and real. From the lyrics in my music to connecting with my center and letting my experiences be recorded on camera... Art and stories help people realize their OWN experiences (relate), and it seems important to me to be willing and brave enough to stand up and let that happen through me. And if I'm terrible... Well. I'll figure out how I feel as I go. That's the best I can do - try and see, right? Take (calculated) risks, assess the feedback. Forgive.

Anyway, I'm proud of myself. There are a lot of other challenges ahead - some of them athletic, some emotional, and most unforeseen. But today I really stepped out of my comfort zone, and I deserve credit for that alone. If you don't risk leaving where you're at, you can't get where you're going. I've got some pretty amazing places ahead, and I intend to take my crowd with me. ;)

Ahhh. (As in deep sigh of relief.)

This confession feels really good. I call myself a model, but I have all of these doubts. All of these compulsions designed to contain the fear - count calories (I stopped doing that - I'm trusting my BODY and listening to it these days), workout everyday, tweeze stray hairs, never leave the house without concealer - WHY? I am lovable simply because I exist. Simply for being me. Whatever ME is. AND SO ARE YOU!!!! SO ARE YOU!!! SO ARE YOU!!!

I want anybody reading this who resonates with it to know that this is my true experience. I know how horribly, life-destroyingly PAINFUL these negative thoughts and all of this self-doubt can be.

I don't have answers. I really don't presume to think I know that much. But I know I'm not alone. I know there are people who are safe and who love me as I am. I know that I deserve to love me as I am. I know that doing so is hard for me more often than I wish were true.

Also, I truly have so much love in my heart for YOU. I know we all hurt, even though we try to hide it. But I see it. I feel it. I wish I could be in all places and have time and be big enough to be available for everyone who is here for me, supporting me, reaching out to me... I love you and I am so humbled and so grateful. And I am here to validate your experiences and to let you know I care for you.

Please know that if ever you are hurting... or doubting... You are not alone. There are people who care.

Reach out.

Risk.

It's okay to do.

Easy At-Home Indian Cuisine

After a long day... Guess what? I don't want to cook! Here's another a little short-cut that really sets me right:

Amy's frozen Vegetable Korma - frozen (healthy) foods aisle at most stores - and a glass of low or non-fat organic milk

***Organic milk is free of bad hormones and antibiotics that are injected into non-organic cows... Just do a little googling to learn about all of the toxic effects of these practices. ALWAYS go for organic dairy products***

This whole product line (Amy's) is wonderful in my opinion. Tons of SUPER-yummy vegan/vegetarian/organic foods. Definitely check it out.

Now if you had a busy day like I did... Rest up and take good care. You deserve to feel fantastic. ;)

xo

Ash

Two Great Quotes

Anthony Kiedis, Wet Sand, Stadium Arcadium album - "My heart is hurting when I share; someone open up and let it show."

Derek Mok, MY guitarist (very wise Chinese man) - "Thoughts aren't good or bad - it's what you do with them."

again - xo