Waking Dream

Today we shot video #8 - Joel Geist conceptualized of and directed this artistic inspiration of a video. I got to spend the day in my cozy nighty, fuzzy socks and mostly in bed for a dreamy journey that ended up feeling like children playing make-believe. It was VERY good for my soul, which has re-found itself (tentatively) yet again.

My whole acting 'clan' was involved in this shoot. This group is a support network linking Colorado and Los Angeles, and I formed a lot of meaningful friendships within the group through acting classes we all took the first year I was in LA. There is a lot of love and creativity radiating among us, and it was an apropos reminder that I am safe and I am loved after my small falling out with God last night.

I wish I knew how to explain what happened in regards to that little thunderbolt of negativity... It was nothing ACTUAL that occurred: my set at the Joint went great and friends came out to support me. I think I just felt really lonely going home to my cat and my book afterward, and kind of empty. So I was mad at God wondering WHY am I being called upon to do all this? It feels like a calling, and sometimes the sacrifices are greater than I can tell.

Those feelings are all valid, but really, how dare I. I don't need to question divine purpose, I just need to show up and play my part. And trust that 'God' or 'the Universe' will take care of the rest.

Sometimes I just lose sight or lose faith, but it seems like I don't get too far off in any one direction before I am bounced back. I feel like a bumper bowling ball.

Anyway, one of the highlights of my day was meeting a bright-eyed 18 year old named Sivan who has only been living in LA 3 weeks. She was so excited about everything we were doing, and whether she realized it or not, she helped me to really notice how far I've come since I first moved here. She helped me remember my enthusiasm, and my friends (we've all been well and productive but loosely scattered for the past year, so it was a reunion) helped me remember what it felt like before I was really unwell. Before I really became afraid of people and doubting of myself in the drastic ways - with the drastic damage - that the past year inflicted.

The strangest thing I find is that my mind can make me believe everything is wrong, when - like right now after such a healthy, grounding day - the reality is that things are amazing, I have great people pulling for me, and real opportunities opening up before me.

My friend Wanita taught me to look in the mirror everyday and say, "I love myself unconditionally". I watched Sivan struggle to take a compliment and Shelby correct her. It's simple little things like this that help to keep us mentally well, and thank God there are good people around to remind us when we forget or struggle to believe in our own deserving power.

I guess the answer to my question about pursuing dreams (if there is an answer... I was being rhetorical)... Is that it's not a dream. It's all real.

I'm already home. I just have to remember to believe it.

Funny enough... God brought Colorado to me today.

Set-Me-Right Snack

1 single serving container non-fat plain or vanilla Greek yogurt
1/2 cup diced fruit (my favorites are blueberries, apples, pears, bananas or raspberries)
1/8 cup walnuts
1/2 Tbsp honey
a dash of cinnamon in desired

Stir yogurt until blended. Layer fruit and nuts on top and drizzle with honey. Add a dash of cinnamon if desired.

Nutrition Breakdown:
About 250 calories (and very filling!)... This snack is full of probiotics in the yogurt that help your immune and digestive systems. It also has protein, healthy Omega fats from the walnuts, and fiber and nutrients from the fruit. Cinnamon is supposed to help boost your metabolism, so if you like the flavor, a dash never hurts!