Changing Hats

I am ready for a change of pace, a change of scenery, a change of mind.

In the past few days, I've spent time with old friends from high school and have been reminded of how my soul felt before I accepted the belief that I was broken.

I don't feel qualified to lecture about mental health - what it is, how to get it, or what really goes wrong when someone is ill. I'm working to educate myself so that I can be a more informed advocate for Mental Health America, but the research and the facts only go so far. When you get down to it, mental health has a lot to do with feelings and beliefs, and those just don't seem quantifiable to me.

Though my BA was a degree in psychology and philosophy with a cognitive neuroscience emphasis, I don't feel I know what consciousness is. I certainly want to continue to explore it, but I definitely got sidetracked by despair and the constrictive grip of fear. Returning to work on my consciousness pilot will likely be one of my goals as I take a few breaths after running myself silly working my music more than full-time for the past couple of years.

What I realize, and what I know, is that for far too long - several years now - I've been feeling really, really lost. Music has been a sort of salvation but also a desperate grip onto 'whatever worked' as my only form of guidance. Music has seemed to work (based on the fact that people responded to it), so I focused blindly on it and haven't come up for air since.

What I am discovering is that I am ready to find myself and feel good again. I remember the girl who used to feel good - the one who was happy and free-spirited in high school. And I would like to welcome her back. To hold her hand and bring her to the party.

In addition to the reminders my friends have provided, I've had a few more setbacks this past week - struggles with depression in the midst of my exciting tour - that have disappointed and confounded me. I feel angry and resentful (toward myself) because my 'episodes' (as they've come to be called) damage the people around me. They damage me, too, and it's absolutely confounding to 'split' so that I think one way one minute and a completely different way the next. It happens quickly and it compromises not only my relationships, but my work and my self-esteem also.

I think I have been letting my fear rule me for a long time, and that getting well has to be a choice that I have to be willing and ready to commit to. I know it's two steps forward and one step back for a lot of this, but that's just part of the cross I have to accept and bear.

Now that this tour is almost over - the last party is tonight and I'm super excited! - I just feel it's a time in my life to really evaluate where I'm at and shift some things that aren't working for me. There are definitely things that AREN'T working for me.

The mental health issues have resulted in medical bills and debts that I need to address, and I basically feel like my living situation has been too unstable for too long. I'm just ready to figure out something that works so that I CAN be healthy and happy again, and so that I can really do good for the world through my behavior and set a positive example.

I'm looking forward to taking some time for me... I want to write and be in nature and have peace and time and safety to create my next moves. I want to travel and I want fulfilling relationships and time with my family, but I think that comes after I get myself together.

I thought I was going to have this life... This life with a man I loved and a picket fence, but that idealized man then said to me, "how can you think you can have that with scars on your arms and your background of drugs and drama?"

That hurt, but I refuse to accept defeat.

I think I can have a happy life. I think it's a choice to believe one is possible. And if I CAN'T believe that, then what is left for me to keep going for?

Getting healthy requires support and safety and a positive environment. It's a choice that I am making for myself and my art and it's where I want to go next.

Happy. I want to be happy. Look out for this lyric in my next set of songs... ;)

My prayers and good will are with those who don't want to go with me. I certainly have no answers. I'm just trying to find what works for me and be as good as I can be.

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Here's a fun little recipe that always makes me smile. Hope you like it, too. :)

Anti-Crabby-Cake Salad with Mango Salsa

2 premade crabcakes (I prefer the Maryland crabcakes from Whole Foods' seafood department)
1 bag spring mix salad greens
1/2 cup freshly washed blueberries
1 medium vine-ripened tomato, chopped
spray olive oil

1/2 seedless cucumber, peeled and chopped
1 cup frozen mango, thawed
2 Tbsp cup green onion, chopped
2 Tbsp chopped fresh cilantro
1/2 avocado, chopped
1/8 tsp garlic powder
1 lime
olive oil

Cover a small baking sheet with foil. Place crabcakes on top and spray with olive oil (lightly). Bake at 450 for about 10 minutes, flip and bake an additional 5-10 minutes, until golden brown.

Divide salad greens, blueberries, and half of cucumber and tomato between two plates.

Place the remaining ingredients (cucumber, tomato, mango, green onion, cilantro and avocado) in a food processor along with garlic powder, the juice of half a lime and about 1-2 Tbsp of olive oil. Pulse until ingredients are mixed but still fairly chunky.

Place browned crabcakes on top of salad mix and spoon about 1/4 cup of the salsa over the top.

A very yummy meal that is filling, nutritious, low on calories, and full of healthy fats and antioxidants.

Rocking Out the Royal Grove

Last night was my Lincoln CD-Release Party.

It's been a whirlwind of a journey thus far.

First off, I am truly grateful for my friends and family around me. And for Mental Health America. One of their representatives had to talk me down from a ledge a bit to be able to handle this event...

Here's why:

This week, my website was destroyed (maliciously) mid-tour, and it threw me into a tail-spin of panic and depression when I *thought* I'd been doing so good. Mental illness is a sneaky mother *&%^#$J&#@. It just takes one trigger getting tripped and I'm (it feels like) 1,000 steps behind where I was (and would like to be).

I fixed the website myself (pat on own back here), but that didn't stop me from having a breakdown about it and why and how some people can be so mean and vindictive. As if life isn't hard enough - nobody needs nonsense like that added to it. And nobody needs the nonsense of my breakdowns either, so I'm deeply sorry for putting my mom, dad, brother and close friends through my Ashley is mentally-M.I.A. routine.

I want to stand for something positive, and I HATE it when I lose my cool. It scares me, and I know it scares a lot of other people, too. The best I can do is just keep trying to employ positive coping mechanisms, to let others help me when I can't help myself, and take it day by day.

Today I want to curl up in bed and disappear (I'm still depressed), but my friend Nicole Brack and I are going to do a photoshoot, so I am rallying, lack of dopamine (or GABA or seratonin) be damned.

Back to the party!!!

It went great once I actually got there.

The Lincoln Ladies club made AMAZING gift bags for everyone and Nebraska Diamond and Audacious Hair Salon raffled off a black pearl necklace and $125 in products respectively. DFunk played a fun set, mine went great too, and I had a blast signing and selling CDs throughout the evening.

I even got a flower from a secret admirer. How cute is that? :)

My dad was so proud, which makes me feel great, and brought all his friends. And my mom and her side of the family were thrilled, too.

Even my first piano teacher was there - without her, my musical talents would simply not be.

In closing - thank you so much to everyone and thank you especially for picking up the slack when I just couldn't carry it for awhile.

Here's my mom's amazing "Green Drink" recipe (cures all your ills):

handful spinach
handful mixed baby greens
1 banana
1 apple (or 1 cup apple juice)
handful carrots
1/4 cup broccoli
1/2 red bell pepper
1/4 cup frozen blueberries
1 Tbsp sesame tahini
1/4 cup ground flax seeds

Mix with water and ice and blend to desired consistency.... It's AMAZING.

There's a New Kid in Town

I seriously could not have asked for a more magical and inspiring evening tonight: the LA album launch party was on all measures a sparkling success!

We had a full house, lots of laughs and smiles, we raised about $1000 dollars for Mental Health America (it's a start!) and we just plain had FUN!

I am so honored to get to be a spokesperson and advocate for a cause I really believe in and for my music to be able to create opportunities for others to benefit, challenge themselves and grow. I know I have grown (and am continuing to grow A LOT) from this adventure.

Thank you so much to all of my friends, colleagues and supporters who showed up to make this evening the incredible experience that it was.

Turns out... I really like being the center of attention. As long as I'm drawing attention to a worthwhile cause - I'm grateful to be a channel for some positive vibes.

Here are the music video contest winners:

1st place - Chris McKay of Seth Green's Robot Chicken for "Oceanic Panic": VIEW
2nd place - Derek Mok, editor of A&E's The Jacksons for "It's Not Enough": VIEW
3rd place - Kyle Morris for his claymation video (no GMO!) for "Invisible Earthquake": VIEW



Honorable mentions to:

Joal Geist - "Unrequited": VIEW
Christian Filippella - "Tangled": VIEW

The rest of the videos and their links will be announced soon. :)

Other directors were:
Mike Yuen
Jeremy Wagner
Brian Reynolds
Max Smerling
Ricky Molina
Randy Dottin

To end the evening, my band performed under candlelight on an open air patio surrounded by the sound of the wind in the trees and friends encircling the balcony.

A final thank you to all of the people that helped and supported this amazing kick off to the "Aftershock CD Release Tour":

Toni Koch, Anna Contessa, Robert Finkelstein, my DAD, Max Smerling, Ed Mattiuzzi, Kat Ellis, Bob Girnius, Doug Snyder, Jen Lyneis, Noelle Bonhomme, Sara Kuhl, Tim Coston, Elijah Star, Eoin Waxel, Elliot Smith and SOOOO many others. THANK YOU.




Ash + my producer Erik Colvin formerly of Neuromance and now with Modified by Man.













Purifying Parsley, Beet, Cucumber and Avocado Salad

So I have to stay powered up and running clean for such an intensive event. Here's a favorite salad - I often accompany it with some hummus and whole wheat pita bread or chips.

1 bunch washed fresh parsley
1 can cut baby beets
1/2 seedless cucumber
1 avocado
olive oil
1 lime
sea salt
dill weed

Finely chop parsley and place in large bowl.

Rinse and coarsely chop beets and cucumber. Add to bowl.

Halve avocado, remove pit, scoop from shell with a large spoon, and slice halves into 1/2 inch bits. Add to bowl.

Drizzle about 1-2 Tbsp of olive oil and the juice of half a lime over vegetables. Sprinkle moderately with sea salt and fresh ground pepper. Sprinkle generously with dill.

Toss all ingredients together until well mixed.

A fun variation is to add cooked, chilled lintels (1 - 2 cups depending on your preference). This adds extra protein, fiber and B vitamins.

Scoop into serving dishes (bowls) and enjoy! It will also keep in the fridge for several days, making it a great quick and easy lunch for busy go-getters who need to keep in top form (and have fun doing it!).

xoxoxo

Ashley

Nebraska... Here I come! :)

(I'm feeling stronger everyday... !)

Endangered Species

I am SOOOOO not perfect. And SOOOOO still heartbroken. I feel about as ugly inside as this fish.

I don't think it will ever go away. Or get better. Or whatever it is they say time is supposed to do... heal? Yeah, right. Seems more like time sneaks up on me, slams me on the ground, knocks the breath out of me and leaves me baffled in the light of a new day. Thank God for my good friends.

I am not immune. One week out from my first CD release event and I ended up... In the hospital again. With some unseemly new scars. I WANT TO STOP!!!!!!!!! I feel stuck.

How is anyone ever going to want me with my past? With my current life? I want to be a mom. Do I rightfully deserve to be? "Mommy.... what happened to your wrist?"

I don't know what I want out of life. Sometimes I'm not so sure I want anything. But of course "that is my depression talking". They let me out in time to deal with everything coming at me this week (THANK GOD), and my band and teammates were incredibly supportive as soon as I was back in communique.

In all honesty, I kind of like the hospital. It's a little dirty, which is gross, but there's the comfort of routine, of connecting with people who in so many ways are just like me, of knowing nothing can really hurt you because the doctors and nurses are there to keep you safe.

I can turn to the girl next to me, with scars of her own, and say, "Yeah, I did it because I was MAD and I wanted to bleed to show how much it HURTS, but he still doesn't get it, just blames me!" And she's like, "Yep. I totally get that. F--- him." Sadism came up - how someone might like to reel you in just to hurt you again... Here are some flowers and a punch in the gut... Just for kicks. It's totally sick. And then evil-in-the-guise-of-love tells you it's all YOUR fault. But of course I have to give due credit to my own masochism, and the therapist says these are parts of me that I'm projecting out/acting out with other people. I don't get it. Not really. I wish I could say I do, but I don't.

Part of me thinks/knows I have to let go of some destructive treatment that I'm totally addicted to, but part of me wants so bad to turn it into my fantasy of love. To believe in real love. The fairy-tale kind where the knight shows up and makes everything okay. But I get it now. That's bs. I am officially jaded.

No worries, world. I go back to therapy Wednesday and Friday. With new scars and fresh shame. I was told today, "I'm unfit to be in a relationship". That HURT. I hope it's not true. I don't really think it's true. I just think it's super base and super mean.

I hung up the phone. I have no respect for people who can't take responsibility for their OWN feelings and instead twist it all around on you.

Anyway. I guess I have my 'pride' (do I?) but where does that get me? LONELY.

What's the f----ing point??? No matter what I do, it (this evil awful dark side) comes back to get me. And I'm really really tired.

I want to travel. I want to disappear. I want to runaway somewhere where no one knows me and create a whole new me.

I'm not going to go into tons of details about what went down the last few days. Let's just say it was LAME and leave it at that.

I used to think I was smart. I used to think I had the whole world in front of me. Now I definitely think some doors are closed.

I miss my family.

Speaking of... Here's a recipe I learned from my mom. And thank you Mom and Dad for having my back. I'm sorry I keep f---ing up.

Lemon Dill Orange Roughy (or white fish of your choice)

2 Orange Roughy fillets (thawed)

1 lemon

1 package fresh dill

olive oil

sea salt

fresh ground pepper

Heat a medium sized pan to medium heat. Drizzle with olive oil and place fish in pan. Squeeze lemon generously over fish (careful not to drop lemon seeds in pan), sprinkle with salt and pepper, and scatter fresh dill over fish. Cover with lid and let cook about 5-10 minutes. There should be water in the pan.

Turn fish over to finish cooking (another 5 minutes), then remove from pan and place on serving dish. Fish is done when it's opaque and flakey. Let remaining liquid in pan cook down to a medium thick consistency, then drizzle over fish (will make a tart sauce).

Voile. Quick and easy dinner for two. Serve with your choice of steamed vegetable and (brown) rice or baked potato (smart balance, salt, pepper, and chives is my preference). :)

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Here's one more quick tip - hospital and jail food SUCK. SOMEBODY needs to reform this so that we are serving ill folks whole grains, FRESH fruits and veggies and other foods that will be nutritious and help them RECOVER. NOT Oreos, vanilla wafers, other sugary foods, and white starchy breads and pastas. Just my two cents.

Video Made the Radio Star

11 videos. In. the. Can. Ye-yeah!

Now that I've had a couple days to actually work from home in my pajamas, I'm realizing just how much of a whirlwind I actually was over the past couple weeks. I'm finally working on my finances and bills today (this is my MOST loathed chore - pajamas make it much more bearable), and hadn't even looked at the bills and receipts since the beginning of February. Wow.

Mostly I just feel REALLY tired right now, and I'm grateful to have a bit of time to sleep and restore before the next phase of activity surges in and carries me forward.

Things are coming together for my CD release tour which kicks off with my LA music video screening and album launch party 4/10 (8pm at the Goodson Screening Room on the American Film Institute campus, 2021 N. Western).

It feels amazing to be fielding calls from around the country and to have supporters helping me to lock in sponsors, distribute flyers, and set up promotion in Lincoln, Denver and LA. It's (way!) bigger than me now, and my biggest hope is that I can come through to really raise some awareness for Mental Health America and to do honor and justice for my directors: they created fabulous videos for me, and I want the LA celebration to be amazing for them.

I put up a Paypal "donate" button on my website so that anyone who wants to support MHA can simply click and do so. I really hope people will do this - it's such an incredible cause. I couldn't (can't) do any of the things I'm doing now without my mental facilities being sound and healthy. I think all people deserve to feel good, and in a lot of ways that's what mental health is about: consistently feeling good, or at least good enough, to perform at your best in work, relationships and everything else that matters to you. Even if you're a star athlete, you can't win the game if you're sitting on the sidelines too depressed to play. Or in my case, being too freaked out everyone/thing will turn on you to even leave the house.

In other news, I played the Method Fest Film Festival last Sunday night (we rocked a Red Hot Chili Peppers cover of "Under the Bridge") and had my 26th birthday on Monday, March 29th. My birthday made me feel really happy and really grateful - my little apartment was filled with loving friends and my heart was swelling just to look around and have them with me on that day.

Prior to the party, my friends Anna, John and I went to see "The Runaways" which is about Joan Jett's first band. I almost felt on one level that I was watching two parts of myself played out on screen. Even the sexuality, attraction and aggression are elements I recognize operating in - and first and foremost towards - myself. It was like this wise, masculine, aggressive element (Joan) and this beautiful, feminine, attention-seeking, broken element (Cherie). This movie had soooo many striking parallels to many of my experiences; it actually made me somewhat anxious and yet dangerously curious at the same time. It definitely raised the questions (yet again) - Is this worth it? What am I really seeking by pursuing rock and roll? Is this a way to seek attention and/or rebel against my own anger and pain?

I've been finding myself really drawn to studying the history of other famous rockstars in a way that never compelled me before. I feel like I'm relating to their performances and personalities on a whole other level than I did as a teenager and fan. Sometimes it scares me because they often ride a line of death and danger from which, with a tiny twist of fate, there is no coming back. A line that I've found myself more-than flirting with many times. The scariest thought is that my self-destructive impulses will get the better of me again in the future and I won't have the presence of mind to realize I'm out of control before it's too late. It's happened before. The good thing I guess is that I do have a lot of safe people around me to help me stay grounded and responsible.

One thing that really strikes me about being a performer is how much it challenges me to push my boundaries, break out of my comfort zone, question who I am, and come to terms with my own morality and way of being. I was struck by Dakota Fanning and Kristen Stewart's performances - they were dealing with VERY adult subject matter. I'd struggle to own it in either of those roles, but they both took the challenges head-on - at 16 or 18 years old. I'm pretty profoundly impressed.

Anyway... Anybody's tummy rumbling?

Here's a recipe from a magical afternoon in my life when I was riding through the streets of Kyoto on a bicycle. My boyfriend and I were FREEZING, and we stopped at a little restaurant where the owners spoke absolutely no English. All we wanted was some hot food. We just had to guess at the menu, and Marcin ordered the PERFECT thing. So this is that recipe (as interpreted by me). I ended up with cold noodles. ;)

Oh - and it's also super fast, super healthy, super filling, and super low-calorie.

Miso Music Food

2 eggs

1 packet instant miso soup

1-2 baby bok choy plants, cleaned and chopped

1 Tbsp chopped fresh scallion

1 cup brown rice

cooking spray

Add 8oz of boiling water to miso soup mix in measuring glass. Add half of soup to a small pan. Add bok choy and scallions, cover, and steam on low to medium until bok choy is cooked through and tender (2-5 minutes). Add brown rice and rest of soup. Heat through.

Empty contents of pan into serving dish.

Coat pan with cooking spray and turn heat to high. Stir two eggs into pan, scrambling them, and cooking until just done (I like mine almost a little runny). Add to rice, miso and vegetable mix.

Let cool, slurp and enjoy! :)

xoxo