Endangered Species

I am SOOOOO not perfect. And SOOOOO still heartbroken. I feel about as ugly inside as this fish.

I don't think it will ever go away. Or get better. Or whatever it is they say time is supposed to do... heal? Yeah, right. Seems more like time sneaks up on me, slams me on the ground, knocks the breath out of me and leaves me baffled in the light of a new day. Thank God for my good friends.

I am not immune. One week out from my first CD release event and I ended up... In the hospital again. With some unseemly new scars. I WANT TO STOP!!!!!!!!! I feel stuck.

How is anyone ever going to want me with my past? With my current life? I want to be a mom. Do I rightfully deserve to be? "Mommy.... what happened to your wrist?"

I don't know what I want out of life. Sometimes I'm not so sure I want anything. But of course "that is my depression talking". They let me out in time to deal with everything coming at me this week (THANK GOD), and my band and teammates were incredibly supportive as soon as I was back in communique.

In all honesty, I kind of like the hospital. It's a little dirty, which is gross, but there's the comfort of routine, of connecting with people who in so many ways are just like me, of knowing nothing can really hurt you because the doctors and nurses are there to keep you safe.

I can turn to the girl next to me, with scars of her own, and say, "Yeah, I did it because I was MAD and I wanted to bleed to show how much it HURTS, but he still doesn't get it, just blames me!" And she's like, "Yep. I totally get that. F--- him." Sadism came up - how someone might like to reel you in just to hurt you again... Here are some flowers and a punch in the gut... Just for kicks. It's totally sick. And then evil-in-the-guise-of-love tells you it's all YOUR fault. But of course I have to give due credit to my own masochism, and the therapist says these are parts of me that I'm projecting out/acting out with other people. I don't get it. Not really. I wish I could say I do, but I don't.

Part of me thinks/knows I have to let go of some destructive treatment that I'm totally addicted to, but part of me wants so bad to turn it into my fantasy of love. To believe in real love. The fairy-tale kind where the knight shows up and makes everything okay. But I get it now. That's bs. I am officially jaded.

No worries, world. I go back to therapy Wednesday and Friday. With new scars and fresh shame. I was told today, "I'm unfit to be in a relationship". That HURT. I hope it's not true. I don't really think it's true. I just think it's super base and super mean.

I hung up the phone. I have no respect for people who can't take responsibility for their OWN feelings and instead twist it all around on you.

Anyway. I guess I have my 'pride' (do I?) but where does that get me? LONELY.

What's the f----ing point??? No matter what I do, it (this evil awful dark side) comes back to get me. And I'm really really tired.

I want to travel. I want to disappear. I want to runaway somewhere where no one knows me and create a whole new me.

I'm not going to go into tons of details about what went down the last few days. Let's just say it was LAME and leave it at that.

I used to think I was smart. I used to think I had the whole world in front of me. Now I definitely think some doors are closed.

I miss my family.

Speaking of... Here's a recipe I learned from my mom. And thank you Mom and Dad for having my back. I'm sorry I keep f---ing up.

Lemon Dill Orange Roughy (or white fish of your choice)

2 Orange Roughy fillets (thawed)

1 lemon

1 package fresh dill

olive oil

sea salt

fresh ground pepper

Heat a medium sized pan to medium heat. Drizzle with olive oil and place fish in pan. Squeeze lemon generously over fish (careful not to drop lemon seeds in pan), sprinkle with salt and pepper, and scatter fresh dill over fish. Cover with lid and let cook about 5-10 minutes. There should be water in the pan.

Turn fish over to finish cooking (another 5 minutes), then remove from pan and place on serving dish. Fish is done when it's opaque and flakey. Let remaining liquid in pan cook down to a medium thick consistency, then drizzle over fish (will make a tart sauce).

Voile. Quick and easy dinner for two. Serve with your choice of steamed vegetable and (brown) rice or baked potato (smart balance, salt, pepper, and chives is my preference). :)

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Here's one more quick tip - hospital and jail food SUCK. SOMEBODY needs to reform this so that we are serving ill folks whole grains, FRESH fruits and veggies and other foods that will be nutritious and help them RECOVER. NOT Oreos, vanilla wafers, other sugary foods, and white starchy breads and pastas. Just my two cents.