Changing Hats

I am ready for a change of pace, a change of scenery, a change of mind.

In the past few days, I've spent time with old friends from high school and have been reminded of how my soul felt before I accepted the belief that I was broken.

I don't feel qualified to lecture about mental health - what it is, how to get it, or what really goes wrong when someone is ill. I'm working to educate myself so that I can be a more informed advocate for Mental Health America, but the research and the facts only go so far. When you get down to it, mental health has a lot to do with feelings and beliefs, and those just don't seem quantifiable to me.

Though my BA was a degree in psychology and philosophy with a cognitive neuroscience emphasis, I don't feel I know what consciousness is. I certainly want to continue to explore it, but I definitely got sidetracked by despair and the constrictive grip of fear. Returning to work on my consciousness pilot will likely be one of my goals as I take a few breaths after running myself silly working my music more than full-time for the past couple of years.

What I realize, and what I know, is that for far too long - several years now - I've been feeling really, really lost. Music has been a sort of salvation but also a desperate grip onto 'whatever worked' as my only form of guidance. Music has seemed to work (based on the fact that people responded to it), so I focused blindly on it and haven't come up for air since.

What I am discovering is that I am ready to find myself and feel good again. I remember the girl who used to feel good - the one who was happy and free-spirited in high school. And I would like to welcome her back. To hold her hand and bring her to the party.

In addition to the reminders my friends have provided, I've had a few more setbacks this past week - struggles with depression in the midst of my exciting tour - that have disappointed and confounded me. I feel angry and resentful (toward myself) because my 'episodes' (as they've come to be called) damage the people around me. They damage me, too, and it's absolutely confounding to 'split' so that I think one way one minute and a completely different way the next. It happens quickly and it compromises not only my relationships, but my work and my self-esteem also.

I think I have been letting my fear rule me for a long time, and that getting well has to be a choice that I have to be willing and ready to commit to. I know it's two steps forward and one step back for a lot of this, but that's just part of the cross I have to accept and bear.

Now that this tour is almost over - the last party is tonight and I'm super excited! - I just feel it's a time in my life to really evaluate where I'm at and shift some things that aren't working for me. There are definitely things that AREN'T working for me.

The mental health issues have resulted in medical bills and debts that I need to address, and I basically feel like my living situation has been too unstable for too long. I'm just ready to figure out something that works so that I CAN be healthy and happy again, and so that I can really do good for the world through my behavior and set a positive example.

I'm looking forward to taking some time for me... I want to write and be in nature and have peace and time and safety to create my next moves. I want to travel and I want fulfilling relationships and time with my family, but I think that comes after I get myself together.

I thought I was going to have this life... This life with a man I loved and a picket fence, but that idealized man then said to me, "how can you think you can have that with scars on your arms and your background of drugs and drama?"

That hurt, but I refuse to accept defeat.

I think I can have a happy life. I think it's a choice to believe one is possible. And if I CAN'T believe that, then what is left for me to keep going for?

Getting healthy requires support and safety and a positive environment. It's a choice that I am making for myself and my art and it's where I want to go next.

Happy. I want to be happy. Look out for this lyric in my next set of songs... ;)

My prayers and good will are with those who don't want to go with me. I certainly have no answers. I'm just trying to find what works for me and be as good as I can be.

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Here's a fun little recipe that always makes me smile. Hope you like it, too. :)

Anti-Crabby-Cake Salad with Mango Salsa

2 premade crabcakes (I prefer the Maryland crabcakes from Whole Foods' seafood department)
1 bag spring mix salad greens
1/2 cup freshly washed blueberries
1 medium vine-ripened tomato, chopped
spray olive oil

1/2 seedless cucumber, peeled and chopped
1 cup frozen mango, thawed
2 Tbsp cup green onion, chopped
2 Tbsp chopped fresh cilantro
1/2 avocado, chopped
1/8 tsp garlic powder
1 lime
olive oil

Cover a small baking sheet with foil. Place crabcakes on top and spray with olive oil (lightly). Bake at 450 for about 10 minutes, flip and bake an additional 5-10 minutes, until golden brown.

Divide salad greens, blueberries, and half of cucumber and tomato between two plates.

Place the remaining ingredients (cucumber, tomato, mango, green onion, cilantro and avocado) in a food processor along with garlic powder, the juice of half a lime and about 1-2 Tbsp of olive oil. Pulse until ingredients are mixed but still fairly chunky.

Place browned crabcakes on top of salad mix and spoon about 1/4 cup of the salsa over the top.

A very yummy meal that is filling, nutritious, low on calories, and full of healthy fats and antioxidants.