Conquering Egypt and Koshary

So I just got back from a whirlwind world trip of a lifetime. Below is my count by count re-count of the adventure and an improvised "health food" version of an Egyptian classic food: Koshary. Enjoy!

***

Rerouted through Paris, curled up in business class with cozy socks and a window seat. I couldn’t ask for a better stroke of fortune starting out my trip. The flight from Omaha to Atlanta was easy, with only a small bit of confusion in the international concourse trying to make sure all of my tickets were right. There is much to look forward to: only seven hours to Paris and that shall easily pass.

Paris. Descending through milky white clouds and mist 1,000 feet above the ground. Green fields and clusters of quaint looking houses – villages maybe? Small cars and buses making a morning commute, and I am looking forward to a chocolate croissant and coffee before boarding my flight to Cairo at 1:30 p.m.

I am a little cramped but not to badly sleep deprived. I managed to drift off for a few hours over the Atlantic after an airline dinner – with champagne – and a couple of in-flight movies.

Cairo bound – last leg. Two chocolate croissants. Hey – how often am I in France? I bought matching key chains for Sophie and me and a magnet for my fridge. Everyone esle’s souvenirs will come from Egypt and New York. I napped for an hour curled up in a cozy chair and generally enjoyed the Paris airport for its modern design, cleanliness and distinct French appeal.

EGYPT. I arrive at night. Throbbing techno music right outside the airport. A background chorus of car horns and speeding traffic. Feral cats and packs of dogs roaming the streets. Tourism police with AK47s. People, lights, stores, everyone selling or offering something. Generators on the sidewalk and a dizzy first night wandering the streets with Megan before returning to our barebones room to rest. Then… breakfast on the terrace, quick showers, and we’re off: trekking our way to the Cairo Museum where we see statues, boats, sarcophagi and the royal mummies. We stop to eat afterward but I can’t choke down the chicken so I switch to falafel. We stop at the pastry shop then gather our swimsuits from the hotel and head to the Marriott where we sit poolside enjoying cake and champagne. Finally we settle down to eat - tabouleh, hummus, fatoush, fava been dip, pita crackers and coffee – and relax smoking peach shisha from a water pipe on the tranquil patio. The hotel grounds are lush and offer a peaceful respite from the constant sounds of the city. Our taxi ride back to our hotel is crazy and chaotic, but full of eye-catching sights. Now it’s lights out… Pyramids first thing tomorrow.

Saw the pyramids this morning. We traveled at breakneck speed to get to Giza, then, after avoiding a scam over very civil coffee, trekked to the Great Pyramid and pushed our way in line at the ticket counter. We got to go inside, climbing and crawling through tunnels Indiana Jones style until we reached the hot musty tomb at the center.

After taking photos outside, we were tricked into a camel ride which left me giggling and giddy. We wrapped up our tour at the Sphinx surrounded by teenage Arabian girls who wanted pictures with us.

Returning to our hotel, I showered away the dust and sweat. Then, we ate Koshary (noodles, lentils, onions and tomato sauce) for lunch and downed tons of water. Finally we meandered back to the hotel with me enjoying strawberry and mango gelato along the way.

We went to the bazaar and it was massive and INTENSE. First the locals’ side – their village/market – with stray cats, trash, slaughtered animals. Then the tourists’ side. So much to see: people haggling at you from every direction. I got a little jangly wristlet, some postcards, and a little decorative pyramid set. Next up… Dinner on the Nile.

Dinner was a mad rush to the buffet after some fairly impressive dancing including a whirling dervish Megan told me was Turkish.

Today we slept until eight or nine and then took the train to Alexandria on the Mediterranean coast. The whole experience was a frenzied adventure. I felt a little anxious for awhile, but that might have had to do somewhat with the two small mighty cups of Turkish coffee I had at the Ramses station in Cairo while we waited for our train.

Once in Alexandria, we utilized taxis since we arrived at three and were due to depart at seven. First we visited the cool damp catacombs where 300 mummies were once buried. Wooden planks over pits and a stream of clear subterranean water made it feel like another Indiana Jones adventure (the first was inside the Great Pyramid at Giza). There was also a spiraling stone staircase with a well in the middle, and my imagination conjured up images of torches descending for funerary feasts hundreds of years ago.

After the catacombs, we took another cab to the library, an impressive modern marvel of architecture and technology. Finally, we walked halfway around the Corniche – the coastal boulevard – in search of suitable dining options. We were famished by the time we stopped at a bakery, and we shared a small rich chocolate pudding and cream puff confection before sojourning on to a fish dinner over-looking the sea.

We just barely caught our train back to Cairo. I meditated on the way back, read more about unified field theory and quantum physics and joked with Meg. Safe in Cairo, we tried unsuccessfully to visit a mosque (they ushered us out) then took the subway back to the neighborhood of our hotel. We grabbed gelato at the corner bakery and watched the peaceful crowds gathered in the streets. Despite the noise of horns and hawkers, the people here – families, children – feel safe if not entirely friendly.

Now we are finally back in our room for the night. We’ll probably watch another segment of Cleopatra, enjoy our bites of German chocolate cake and baklava left over from the Alexandria bakery and settle off to sleep.

Tomorrow is our final day in Cairo, and then I’m bound for New York.

New York City. 5 a.m. I check my bag through to Omaha then find my way into Manhattan’s Penn Station via the Airtrain and Long Island Railroad. My first task is to get oriented, and luckily I have my cell phone to assist me: it maps where I’m at. I take a cab to the southern tip of Manhattan to view the Statue of Liberty – tiny at this distance. After a quick Starbucks detour I grab the 1 subway line to Times Square where I walk around seeing the sights. I head up 7^th avenue, cut over to 5^th and enter the zen calm of Central Park. The fall foliage is breathtaking in the cool November air.

Tracking back to Times Square, I eat a decadent sushi lunch at Blue Fin. The California roll is decked out with mango and the lobster roll has tuna, avocado and cilantro. After lunch, I shoulder my backpack – heavy with gifts and souvenirs I’ve gathered at the tourist shops along the way – and trek back to Penn Station where I retrace my train route to JFK Airport. At security, they confiscate the snow globe I bought for my mom, so I buy her another one at the airport gift shop.

Now it’s just a couple of flights and a waiting game until I’m back in Nebraska, but I may have a writing job interview waiting for me in California next week. Things are moving fast.

***

Koshary

1 cup whole wheat macaroni (the smallest you can find)
1/4 cup whole wheat vermicelli (or spaghetti) noodles
1/2 cup cooked lentils
1 Tbsp French's fried onions
2 Tbsp chick peas
4 tsp canola oil, divided
1 clove garlic
1 Tbsp chopped onion
1-2 ripe vine tomatoes
1 cup water

Combine in layers 1) heated cooked macaroni, 2) heated cooked lentils, 3) heated cooked vermicelli, 4) chick peas, 5) fried onions and top with prepared tomato sauce. Voila! A healthy and filling vegetarian meal with tons of fiber, lycopene, protein and other nutritional goodies.

To prepare vermicelli:
Break noodles into 1" pieces. Heat 2 tsp oil in a small pot and add noodles. Stirring constantly, heat until browned. Carefully add enough water to cover the noodles, then heat on medium until noodles are soft.

To prepare tomato sauce:
Stirfry 1 Tbsp chopped onion with minced garlic clove in 2 tsp oil until lightly browned. Add 1-2 chopped tomatoes (equaling about 1 cup). Add 1 cup water and simmer for about 15 minutes, then blend sauce until smooth. Season to taste with salt, pepper, and paprika.

Summer Sebbatical

You may all have been wondering where I've been and what's happened to me... After all, I haven't written in a long time. Let's just say I took a summer sabbatical to attend to my needs and strengthen my spirit. And strengthened it indeed is.

Over the past few weeks, I have been working with Select Models out of Omaha, Nebraska, and yesterday I worked a huge gig for Hills Prescription Diet pet food shot by Austin Walsh Photography that will be used for promotions in Canada. For that job, I traveled 3 hours from my hometown of Lincoln, Nebraska to Kansas City. And I already have another job lined up for tomorrow afternoon.

I plan to return to LA, but in the meantime, I have been enjoying helping my family out with some tasks here, modeling, and reconnecting with old friends. I think this was all something I really needed after the intense rigor of my 3-city CD release tour for Aftershock.

The best news is... In November I am going to Egypt to visit a friend from college! I'm definitely taking time to get inspired again.


Lastly, in June, my friend Anna Contessa and I were flown to Washington, D.C. so that I could speak and perform at Mental Health America's annual conference. Anna, being the amazing woman that she is, put together a video of our trip. I hope you will enjoy watching it, and I will be back with more updates soon.

Mental Health America Washington DC Conference, June 2010 from Anna Contessa on Vimeo.

***

Butternut Squash Bake

1 package precut (cubed) butternut squash
1 package crimini mushrooms (quartered)
2 cups broccoli sprigs
2 Tbsp olive oil
1 tsp Italian seasoning
1 tsp salt

Heat oven to 400. Place all ingredients in a ziplock bag and shake to coat vegetables in oil and spices. Transfer vegetables over to a glass casserole dish. Add about 1/4 inch water, cover tightly with foil and bake for approximately 20 minutes or until squash is tender. An excellent fall dish!

Changing Hats

I am ready for a change of pace, a change of scenery, a change of mind.

In the past few days, I've spent time with old friends from high school and have been reminded of how my soul felt before I accepted the belief that I was broken.

I don't feel qualified to lecture about mental health - what it is, how to get it, or what really goes wrong when someone is ill. I'm working to educate myself so that I can be a more informed advocate for Mental Health America, but the research and the facts only go so far. When you get down to it, mental health has a lot to do with feelings and beliefs, and those just don't seem quantifiable to me.

Though my BA was a degree in psychology and philosophy with a cognitive neuroscience emphasis, I don't feel I know what consciousness is. I certainly want to continue to explore it, but I definitely got sidetracked by despair and the constrictive grip of fear. Returning to work on my consciousness pilot will likely be one of my goals as I take a few breaths after running myself silly working my music more than full-time for the past couple of years.

What I realize, and what I know, is that for far too long - several years now - I've been feeling really, really lost. Music has been a sort of salvation but also a desperate grip onto 'whatever worked' as my only form of guidance. Music has seemed to work (based on the fact that people responded to it), so I focused blindly on it and haven't come up for air since.

What I am discovering is that I am ready to find myself and feel good again. I remember the girl who used to feel good - the one who was happy and free-spirited in high school. And I would like to welcome her back. To hold her hand and bring her to the party.

In addition to the reminders my friends have provided, I've had a few more setbacks this past week - struggles with depression in the midst of my exciting tour - that have disappointed and confounded me. I feel angry and resentful (toward myself) because my 'episodes' (as they've come to be called) damage the people around me. They damage me, too, and it's absolutely confounding to 'split' so that I think one way one minute and a completely different way the next. It happens quickly and it compromises not only my relationships, but my work and my self-esteem also.

I think I have been letting my fear rule me for a long time, and that getting well has to be a choice that I have to be willing and ready to commit to. I know it's two steps forward and one step back for a lot of this, but that's just part of the cross I have to accept and bear.

Now that this tour is almost over - the last party is tonight and I'm super excited! - I just feel it's a time in my life to really evaluate where I'm at and shift some things that aren't working for me. There are definitely things that AREN'T working for me.

The mental health issues have resulted in medical bills and debts that I need to address, and I basically feel like my living situation has been too unstable for too long. I'm just ready to figure out something that works so that I CAN be healthy and happy again, and so that I can really do good for the world through my behavior and set a positive example.

I'm looking forward to taking some time for me... I want to write and be in nature and have peace and time and safety to create my next moves. I want to travel and I want fulfilling relationships and time with my family, but I think that comes after I get myself together.

I thought I was going to have this life... This life with a man I loved and a picket fence, but that idealized man then said to me, "how can you think you can have that with scars on your arms and your background of drugs and drama?"

That hurt, but I refuse to accept defeat.

I think I can have a happy life. I think it's a choice to believe one is possible. And if I CAN'T believe that, then what is left for me to keep going for?

Getting healthy requires support and safety and a positive environment. It's a choice that I am making for myself and my art and it's where I want to go next.

Happy. I want to be happy. Look out for this lyric in my next set of songs... ;)

My prayers and good will are with those who don't want to go with me. I certainly have no answers. I'm just trying to find what works for me and be as good as I can be.

+++

Here's a fun little recipe that always makes me smile. Hope you like it, too. :)

Anti-Crabby-Cake Salad with Mango Salsa

2 premade crabcakes (I prefer the Maryland crabcakes from Whole Foods' seafood department)
1 bag spring mix salad greens
1/2 cup freshly washed blueberries
1 medium vine-ripened tomato, chopped
spray olive oil

1/2 seedless cucumber, peeled and chopped
1 cup frozen mango, thawed
2 Tbsp cup green onion, chopped
2 Tbsp chopped fresh cilantro
1/2 avocado, chopped
1/8 tsp garlic powder
1 lime
olive oil

Cover a small baking sheet with foil. Place crabcakes on top and spray with olive oil (lightly). Bake at 450 for about 10 minutes, flip and bake an additional 5-10 minutes, until golden brown.

Divide salad greens, blueberries, and half of cucumber and tomato between two plates.

Place the remaining ingredients (cucumber, tomato, mango, green onion, cilantro and avocado) in a food processor along with garlic powder, the juice of half a lime and about 1-2 Tbsp of olive oil. Pulse until ingredients are mixed but still fairly chunky.

Place browned crabcakes on top of salad mix and spoon about 1/4 cup of the salsa over the top.

A very yummy meal that is filling, nutritious, low on calories, and full of healthy fats and antioxidants.

Rocking Out the Royal Grove

Last night was my Lincoln CD-Release Party.

It's been a whirlwind of a journey thus far.

First off, I am truly grateful for my friends and family around me. And for Mental Health America. One of their representatives had to talk me down from a ledge a bit to be able to handle this event...

Here's why:

This week, my website was destroyed (maliciously) mid-tour, and it threw me into a tail-spin of panic and depression when I *thought* I'd been doing so good. Mental illness is a sneaky mother *&%^#$J&#@. It just takes one trigger getting tripped and I'm (it feels like) 1,000 steps behind where I was (and would like to be).

I fixed the website myself (pat on own back here), but that didn't stop me from having a breakdown about it and why and how some people can be so mean and vindictive. As if life isn't hard enough - nobody needs nonsense like that added to it. And nobody needs the nonsense of my breakdowns either, so I'm deeply sorry for putting my mom, dad, brother and close friends through my Ashley is mentally-M.I.A. routine.

I want to stand for something positive, and I HATE it when I lose my cool. It scares me, and I know it scares a lot of other people, too. The best I can do is just keep trying to employ positive coping mechanisms, to let others help me when I can't help myself, and take it day by day.

Today I want to curl up in bed and disappear (I'm still depressed), but my friend Nicole Brack and I are going to do a photoshoot, so I am rallying, lack of dopamine (or GABA or seratonin) be damned.

Back to the party!!!

It went great once I actually got there.

The Lincoln Ladies club made AMAZING gift bags for everyone and Nebraska Diamond and Audacious Hair Salon raffled off a black pearl necklace and $125 in products respectively. DFunk played a fun set, mine went great too, and I had a blast signing and selling CDs throughout the evening.

I even got a flower from a secret admirer. How cute is that? :)

My dad was so proud, which makes me feel great, and brought all his friends. And my mom and her side of the family were thrilled, too.

Even my first piano teacher was there - without her, my musical talents would simply not be.

In closing - thank you so much to everyone and thank you especially for picking up the slack when I just couldn't carry it for awhile.

Here's my mom's amazing "Green Drink" recipe (cures all your ills):

handful spinach
handful mixed baby greens
1 banana
1 apple (or 1 cup apple juice)
handful carrots
1/4 cup broccoli
1/2 red bell pepper
1/4 cup frozen blueberries
1 Tbsp sesame tahini
1/4 cup ground flax seeds

Mix with water and ice and blend to desired consistency.... It's AMAZING.

There's a New Kid in Town

I seriously could not have asked for a more magical and inspiring evening tonight: the LA album launch party was on all measures a sparkling success!

We had a full house, lots of laughs and smiles, we raised about $1000 dollars for Mental Health America (it's a start!) and we just plain had FUN!

I am so honored to get to be a spokesperson and advocate for a cause I really believe in and for my music to be able to create opportunities for others to benefit, challenge themselves and grow. I know I have grown (and am continuing to grow A LOT) from this adventure.

Thank you so much to all of my friends, colleagues and supporters who showed up to make this evening the incredible experience that it was.

Turns out... I really like being the center of attention. As long as I'm drawing attention to a worthwhile cause - I'm grateful to be a channel for some positive vibes.

Here are the music video contest winners:

1st place - Chris McKay of Seth Green's Robot Chicken for "Oceanic Panic": VIEW
2nd place - Derek Mok, editor of A&E's The Jacksons for "It's Not Enough": VIEW
3rd place - Kyle Morris for his claymation video (no GMO!) for "Invisible Earthquake": VIEW



Honorable mentions to:

Joal Geist - "Unrequited": VIEW
Christian Filippella - "Tangled": VIEW

The rest of the videos and their links will be announced soon. :)

Other directors were:
Mike Yuen
Jeremy Wagner
Brian Reynolds
Max Smerling
Ricky Molina
Randy Dottin

To end the evening, my band performed under candlelight on an open air patio surrounded by the sound of the wind in the trees and friends encircling the balcony.

A final thank you to all of the people that helped and supported this amazing kick off to the "Aftershock CD Release Tour":

Toni Koch, Anna Contessa, Robert Finkelstein, my DAD, Max Smerling, Ed Mattiuzzi, Kat Ellis, Bob Girnius, Doug Snyder, Jen Lyneis, Noelle Bonhomme, Sara Kuhl, Tim Coston, Elijah Star, Eoin Waxel, Elliot Smith and SOOOO many others. THANK YOU.




Ash + my producer Erik Colvin formerly of Neuromance and now with Modified by Man.













Purifying Parsley, Beet, Cucumber and Avocado Salad

So I have to stay powered up and running clean for such an intensive event. Here's a favorite salad - I often accompany it with some hummus and whole wheat pita bread or chips.

1 bunch washed fresh parsley
1 can cut baby beets
1/2 seedless cucumber
1 avocado
olive oil
1 lime
sea salt
dill weed

Finely chop parsley and place in large bowl.

Rinse and coarsely chop beets and cucumber. Add to bowl.

Halve avocado, remove pit, scoop from shell with a large spoon, and slice halves into 1/2 inch bits. Add to bowl.

Drizzle about 1-2 Tbsp of olive oil and the juice of half a lime over vegetables. Sprinkle moderately with sea salt and fresh ground pepper. Sprinkle generously with dill.

Toss all ingredients together until well mixed.

A fun variation is to add cooked, chilled lintels (1 - 2 cups depending on your preference). This adds extra protein, fiber and B vitamins.

Scoop into serving dishes (bowls) and enjoy! It will also keep in the fridge for several days, making it a great quick and easy lunch for busy go-getters who need to keep in top form (and have fun doing it!).

xoxoxo

Ashley

Nebraska... Here I come! :)

(I'm feeling stronger everyday... !)

Endangered Species

I am SOOOOO not perfect. And SOOOOO still heartbroken. I feel about as ugly inside as this fish.

I don't think it will ever go away. Or get better. Or whatever it is they say time is supposed to do... heal? Yeah, right. Seems more like time sneaks up on me, slams me on the ground, knocks the breath out of me and leaves me baffled in the light of a new day. Thank God for my good friends.

I am not immune. One week out from my first CD release event and I ended up... In the hospital again. With some unseemly new scars. I WANT TO STOP!!!!!!!!! I feel stuck.

How is anyone ever going to want me with my past? With my current life? I want to be a mom. Do I rightfully deserve to be? "Mommy.... what happened to your wrist?"

I don't know what I want out of life. Sometimes I'm not so sure I want anything. But of course "that is my depression talking". They let me out in time to deal with everything coming at me this week (THANK GOD), and my band and teammates were incredibly supportive as soon as I was back in communique.

In all honesty, I kind of like the hospital. It's a little dirty, which is gross, but there's the comfort of routine, of connecting with people who in so many ways are just like me, of knowing nothing can really hurt you because the doctors and nurses are there to keep you safe.

I can turn to the girl next to me, with scars of her own, and say, "Yeah, I did it because I was MAD and I wanted to bleed to show how much it HURTS, but he still doesn't get it, just blames me!" And she's like, "Yep. I totally get that. F--- him." Sadism came up - how someone might like to reel you in just to hurt you again... Here are some flowers and a punch in the gut... Just for kicks. It's totally sick. And then evil-in-the-guise-of-love tells you it's all YOUR fault. But of course I have to give due credit to my own masochism, and the therapist says these are parts of me that I'm projecting out/acting out with other people. I don't get it. Not really. I wish I could say I do, but I don't.

Part of me thinks/knows I have to let go of some destructive treatment that I'm totally addicted to, but part of me wants so bad to turn it into my fantasy of love. To believe in real love. The fairy-tale kind where the knight shows up and makes everything okay. But I get it now. That's bs. I am officially jaded.

No worries, world. I go back to therapy Wednesday and Friday. With new scars and fresh shame. I was told today, "I'm unfit to be in a relationship". That HURT. I hope it's not true. I don't really think it's true. I just think it's super base and super mean.

I hung up the phone. I have no respect for people who can't take responsibility for their OWN feelings and instead twist it all around on you.

Anyway. I guess I have my 'pride' (do I?) but where does that get me? LONELY.

What's the f----ing point??? No matter what I do, it (this evil awful dark side) comes back to get me. And I'm really really tired.

I want to travel. I want to disappear. I want to runaway somewhere where no one knows me and create a whole new me.

I'm not going to go into tons of details about what went down the last few days. Let's just say it was LAME and leave it at that.

I used to think I was smart. I used to think I had the whole world in front of me. Now I definitely think some doors are closed.

I miss my family.

Speaking of... Here's a recipe I learned from my mom. And thank you Mom and Dad for having my back. I'm sorry I keep f---ing up.

Lemon Dill Orange Roughy (or white fish of your choice)

2 Orange Roughy fillets (thawed)

1 lemon

1 package fresh dill

olive oil

sea salt

fresh ground pepper

Heat a medium sized pan to medium heat. Drizzle with olive oil and place fish in pan. Squeeze lemon generously over fish (careful not to drop lemon seeds in pan), sprinkle with salt and pepper, and scatter fresh dill over fish. Cover with lid and let cook about 5-10 minutes. There should be water in the pan.

Turn fish over to finish cooking (another 5 minutes), then remove from pan and place on serving dish. Fish is done when it's opaque and flakey. Let remaining liquid in pan cook down to a medium thick consistency, then drizzle over fish (will make a tart sauce).

Voile. Quick and easy dinner for two. Serve with your choice of steamed vegetable and (brown) rice or baked potato (smart balance, salt, pepper, and chives is my preference). :)

+++

Here's one more quick tip - hospital and jail food SUCK. SOMEBODY needs to reform this so that we are serving ill folks whole grains, FRESH fruits and veggies and other foods that will be nutritious and help them RECOVER. NOT Oreos, vanilla wafers, other sugary foods, and white starchy breads and pastas. Just my two cents.

Video Made the Radio Star

11 videos. In. the. Can. Ye-yeah!

Now that I've had a couple days to actually work from home in my pajamas, I'm realizing just how much of a whirlwind I actually was over the past couple weeks. I'm finally working on my finances and bills today (this is my MOST loathed chore - pajamas make it much more bearable), and hadn't even looked at the bills and receipts since the beginning of February. Wow.

Mostly I just feel REALLY tired right now, and I'm grateful to have a bit of time to sleep and restore before the next phase of activity surges in and carries me forward.

Things are coming together for my CD release tour which kicks off with my LA music video screening and album launch party 4/10 (8pm at the Goodson Screening Room on the American Film Institute campus, 2021 N. Western).

It feels amazing to be fielding calls from around the country and to have supporters helping me to lock in sponsors, distribute flyers, and set up promotion in Lincoln, Denver and LA. It's (way!) bigger than me now, and my biggest hope is that I can come through to really raise some awareness for Mental Health America and to do honor and justice for my directors: they created fabulous videos for me, and I want the LA celebration to be amazing for them.

I put up a Paypal "donate" button on my website so that anyone who wants to support MHA can simply click and do so. I really hope people will do this - it's such an incredible cause. I couldn't (can't) do any of the things I'm doing now without my mental facilities being sound and healthy. I think all people deserve to feel good, and in a lot of ways that's what mental health is about: consistently feeling good, or at least good enough, to perform at your best in work, relationships and everything else that matters to you. Even if you're a star athlete, you can't win the game if you're sitting on the sidelines too depressed to play. Or in my case, being too freaked out everyone/thing will turn on you to even leave the house.

In other news, I played the Method Fest Film Festival last Sunday night (we rocked a Red Hot Chili Peppers cover of "Under the Bridge") and had my 26th birthday on Monday, March 29th. My birthday made me feel really happy and really grateful - my little apartment was filled with loving friends and my heart was swelling just to look around and have them with me on that day.

Prior to the party, my friends Anna, John and I went to see "The Runaways" which is about Joan Jett's first band. I almost felt on one level that I was watching two parts of myself played out on screen. Even the sexuality, attraction and aggression are elements I recognize operating in - and first and foremost towards - myself. It was like this wise, masculine, aggressive element (Joan) and this beautiful, feminine, attention-seeking, broken element (Cherie). This movie had soooo many striking parallels to many of my experiences; it actually made me somewhat anxious and yet dangerously curious at the same time. It definitely raised the questions (yet again) - Is this worth it? What am I really seeking by pursuing rock and roll? Is this a way to seek attention and/or rebel against my own anger and pain?

I've been finding myself really drawn to studying the history of other famous rockstars in a way that never compelled me before. I feel like I'm relating to their performances and personalities on a whole other level than I did as a teenager and fan. Sometimes it scares me because they often ride a line of death and danger from which, with a tiny twist of fate, there is no coming back. A line that I've found myself more-than flirting with many times. The scariest thought is that my self-destructive impulses will get the better of me again in the future and I won't have the presence of mind to realize I'm out of control before it's too late. It's happened before. The good thing I guess is that I do have a lot of safe people around me to help me stay grounded and responsible.

One thing that really strikes me about being a performer is how much it challenges me to push my boundaries, break out of my comfort zone, question who I am, and come to terms with my own morality and way of being. I was struck by Dakota Fanning and Kristen Stewart's performances - they were dealing with VERY adult subject matter. I'd struggle to own it in either of those roles, but they both took the challenges head-on - at 16 or 18 years old. I'm pretty profoundly impressed.

Anyway... Anybody's tummy rumbling?

Here's a recipe from a magical afternoon in my life when I was riding through the streets of Kyoto on a bicycle. My boyfriend and I were FREEZING, and we stopped at a little restaurant where the owners spoke absolutely no English. All we wanted was some hot food. We just had to guess at the menu, and Marcin ordered the PERFECT thing. So this is that recipe (as interpreted by me). I ended up with cold noodles. ;)

Oh - and it's also super fast, super healthy, super filling, and super low-calorie.

Miso Music Food

2 eggs

1 packet instant miso soup

1-2 baby bok choy plants, cleaned and chopped

1 Tbsp chopped fresh scallion

1 cup brown rice

cooking spray

Add 8oz of boiling water to miso soup mix in measuring glass. Add half of soup to a small pan. Add bok choy and scallions, cover, and steam on low to medium until bok choy is cooked through and tender (2-5 minutes). Add brown rice and rest of soup. Heat through.

Empty contents of pan into serving dish.

Coat pan with cooking spray and turn heat to high. Stir two eggs into pan, scrambling them, and cooking until just done (I like mine almost a little runny). Add to rice, miso and vegetable mix.

Let cool, slurp and enjoy! :)

xoxo

Waking Dream

Today we shot video #8 - Joel Geist conceptualized of and directed this artistic inspiration of a video. I got to spend the day in my cozy nighty, fuzzy socks and mostly in bed for a dreamy journey that ended up feeling like children playing make-believe. It was VERY good for my soul, which has re-found itself (tentatively) yet again.

My whole acting 'clan' was involved in this shoot. This group is a support network linking Colorado and Los Angeles, and I formed a lot of meaningful friendships within the group through acting classes we all took the first year I was in LA. There is a lot of love and creativity radiating among us, and it was an apropos reminder that I am safe and I am loved after my small falling out with God last night.

I wish I knew how to explain what happened in regards to that little thunderbolt of negativity... It was nothing ACTUAL that occurred: my set at the Joint went great and friends came out to support me. I think I just felt really lonely going home to my cat and my book afterward, and kind of empty. So I was mad at God wondering WHY am I being called upon to do all this? It feels like a calling, and sometimes the sacrifices are greater than I can tell.

Those feelings are all valid, but really, how dare I. I don't need to question divine purpose, I just need to show up and play my part. And trust that 'God' or 'the Universe' will take care of the rest.

Sometimes I just lose sight or lose faith, but it seems like I don't get too far off in any one direction before I am bounced back. I feel like a bumper bowling ball.

Anyway, one of the highlights of my day was meeting a bright-eyed 18 year old named Sivan who has only been living in LA 3 weeks. She was so excited about everything we were doing, and whether she realized it or not, she helped me to really notice how far I've come since I first moved here. She helped me remember my enthusiasm, and my friends (we've all been well and productive but loosely scattered for the past year, so it was a reunion) helped me remember what it felt like before I was really unwell. Before I really became afraid of people and doubting of myself in the drastic ways - with the drastic damage - that the past year inflicted.

The strangest thing I find is that my mind can make me believe everything is wrong, when - like right now after such a healthy, grounding day - the reality is that things are amazing, I have great people pulling for me, and real opportunities opening up before me.

My friend Wanita taught me to look in the mirror everyday and say, "I love myself unconditionally". I watched Sivan struggle to take a compliment and Shelby correct her. It's simple little things like this that help to keep us mentally well, and thank God there are good people around to remind us when we forget or struggle to believe in our own deserving power.

I guess the answer to my question about pursuing dreams (if there is an answer... I was being rhetorical)... Is that it's not a dream. It's all real.

I'm already home. I just have to remember to believe it.

Funny enough... God brought Colorado to me today.

Set-Me-Right Snack

1 single serving container non-fat plain or vanilla Greek yogurt
1/2 cup diced fruit (my favorites are blueberries, apples, pears, bananas or raspberries)
1/8 cup walnuts
1/2 Tbsp honey
a dash of cinnamon in desired

Stir yogurt until blended. Layer fruit and nuts on top and drizzle with honey. Add a dash of cinnamon if desired.

Nutrition Breakdown:
About 250 calories (and very filling!)... This snack is full of probiotics in the yogurt that help your immune and digestive systems. It also has protein, healthy Omega fats from the walnuts, and fiber and nutrients from the fruit. Cinnamon is supposed to help boost your metabolism, so if you like the flavor, a dash never hurts!

Mad at God

Why is it that we encourage each other to follow our dreams, to never give in no matter what the cost?

It seems like a cultural taboo to do otherwise... The ideal - the idol - of the dream, held precious above all else.

(Is it a dream that was ever actually mine to begin with?)

Are we buying in when we pursue it? Are we selling out to make it 'come true'? And when is enough enough? What does 'come true' mean in a world where there are no endings or beginnings and no defining moments that signify absolute truth?

What about family? What about love? What about health and well-being?

Why do we forsake these things, and why are we encouraged to keep going, to just keep going at all costs - a little further, you're going to 'make it' - when we cry out that we are tired, lost, confused and alone?

Why doesn't anyone ever say, "it's time to come home"?

I probably shouldn't bare my soul. But why not? I've lost it anyway.

Recipe:

Dark Chocolate (70% or more cacao)

Solitude, Suicide... and a Rosemary Chicken Remedy

Well... It's been an interesting past few days. I've worked on and (pretty much) wrapped shoots for videos #4 (Yellow Fields), #5 (Tangled), and #6 (Filter) this week. Tomorrow we film #7 (No Magic) and Monday we film #8 (Unrequited).

Now that's A LOT of music videos in one week.

I've done everything from backwards rollerblading through the metro to kissing (more) handsome strangers to seeing a lizard Vs. cat fight (the lizard lost its tail - it was gnarly). It's been interesting to say the least.

I've also had some - go figure - deep thoughts and painful moments to endure.

Earlier this week, I got pretty unsettled when a schizophrenic youth came up and started talking to me at Starbucks. (Sidenote: I highly commend Starbucks for providing nutrition info and healthy options on their menus.) Anyway, I knew almost immediately that this young man was mentally ill, and it was a profound reality check for me, because I found a lot of thoughts and reactions running through my head:

• he looked more or less "normal" - a decent-looking young man from a middle class home - it was his conversation that tipped him off to me. Whereas most other people would have just thought he was 'weird' and backed away, I saw something more. I found myself wondering, "Why is he here? Doesn't he have anyone who cares about him wondering where he is?" and discovered a secret prejudice operating in my own head: if they're dirty and obviously crazy, then no one thinks to wonder where their families are because of course no one would want them... It's awful, but I think this has been my unconscious line of thinking for a long time. Maybe it's not all bad that I (we?) think this way - it's just ignorant. How else do we cope with the raw, ugly truth confronting us in the form of homeless people on the street every day if we can't rationalize it into something manageable? How do we cope with the knowledge that we 'can't save them all'... We tell ourselves instead to focus on #1.
  
• although my first inclination was to avoid eye contact and ignore this young man, I realized that this was probably what almost everyone does to him. Instead, I chose to engage; it couldn't hurt me to let him talk while I got my coffee and headed out to my car. After all, what kind of a hypocrite would I be - advocating for Mental Health America, but ignoring a mentally ill young man in my 'real' life? I think questions of fear and safety are very real and must be addressed, but I think sometimes our fear is so automatic because mentally ill people represent what we are not willing to face or are afraid of in ourselves.

As I said, this brief interaction brought up a lot of thoughts for me.

It's also been a rough week for me emotionally, with my dark side getting the better of me more than once. Meaning I've been low. I've been fighting being low. But I don't always win, and that scares me more than I can share. I've been unable to get out of bed (I was often dragging myself to shoots), missing workouts, skipping therapy, skipping meditation, eating junk food... A total downward spiral, but once I'm in it's so hard to get out. People literally have to reach in and grab me. Which they do - they know to do - these days. But Oh God it's not pretty. I wish I could always be 'pretty'. I can fake it for a while, but sooner or later... The levy breaks. (xo Led Zeppelin)

I feel tremendously regretful that I drag people through this with me. And tremendously grateful (and astounded) that there are people who still stick by me.

After all, I'm now advocating mental health, so I'm supposed to have it together, right? I SOOOOO don't.

Here's a heavy, nasty, I'm-sorry-I-have-to-say-it topic: suicide. I have a "feeling-low" threshold, and when I cross it (get too low), it's like my brain clicks over into suicide-mode. My thinking changes, and I am gripped by thoughts of how to do it, that I MUST do it, that I only have to go a little longer and then I CAN do it... It's horrible. I try not to take drugs when I can avoid it, but it becomes a question of which evil is worse, and often popping a couple pills and sleeping seems like the only relief I can get. It also seems like the only way to allay the damage I will inevitably cause to myself and my relationships. And then I just pray to wake up with a clear head again. Sometimes I do.

I know (because I hear people say) that people think what on earth could I have to be sad about? I can't explain it - I know I'm not thinking straight when these feelings get the best of me. I feel like a selfish @$$ when my mind comes back to me... Because the truth is that by not valuing myself, I'm devaluing someone and something that a lot of people do believe in. If you love your mom or your sister or your friend and I tell you I think she's so worthless she doesn't deserve to live, I'm totally insulting you. Slipping into a suicidal mindset is a grave insult to all of my friends and family - and everyone else around me.

I guess my little take home message here is to just keep working at recovery even when the going is hard and even when I feel alone. I know I'm not alone. This week my poor parents and a couple close friends got hysterical calls from me begging for help when I really felt like I was going to lose control.

I've been to the hospital before. I've overdosed twice. It's NOT fun.

I have to advocate for my OWN mental health when I feel the landslide starting; I have to let people know what's happening and take responsibility for addressing it so I can be better and functional again as soon as possible. Fortunately, I think the turn around time for me is quicker these days, but sometimes I really do get scared that I'm going to lose it all and have to hit bottom. I hope not. There's a lot of cool stuff happening, a lot of people involved, and it's a lot bigger than me now... I don't want to let the people who believe in me down.

I'm really grateful that I have people in my life who can be loving and not blame or shame me for this 'condition' that I STILL don't want to believe I suffer from. I'm grateful I was able to reach out and I'm grateful that when I did, there were safe people there to help me. I've also been punished and ignored when crying for help before, and that kind of treatment only makes the depression and the self-destructive urges worse. That's a pretty bad kind of hurt. It's heartbreak.

In one of my emails with MHA this week, Mike Turner, VP of Resource Development mentioned to me that "fifty percent of people living with mental health issues never ask for help".

Some of us don't know what's 'wrong' with us. Some of us are literally blind to our own illness. Most of us are afraid. And some just don't have anyone qualified or caring enough to turn to.

My prayers are with the young man I met at Starbucks. I hope being listened to and treated with kindness was at least a little relief for him. I might not be able to save the world or even myself, but it sure feels good whenever I can do even one little thing right.

Everything - no matter how big or small - starts with just one move in the right direction.

2-for-1 Rosemary Chicken

This one's pretty simple and it's good for two (or more) delicious meals. Plus, rosemary sauteed in olive oil until it's crispy is unbelievably good - and not a particularly well known edible. Enjoy!

1 package boneless, skinless organic or free-range chicken breast
olive oil
1 package rosemary sprigs
fresh ground pepper
sea salt
1/4 tsp onion powder
1/4 tsp garlic powder

Heat a medium skillet on high. Add a generous amount of olive oil to coat the skillet. Place chicken breasts (butterflied and halved if thicker than 3/4 inch) in pan and season with salt, pepper, onion powder and garlic powder. Cover skillet with lid and let breasts fry until golden on one side (about 3-4 minutes). Carefully (using lid to block oil spitting from pan) turn breasts over with a fork. Replace lid and let fry an additional 2-3 minutes. When breasts are nearly done (no longer pink in center), scatter freshly washed and de-stemmed rosemary sprigs across the top. Replace skillet lid, lifting to stir intermittently, until rosemary sprigs have become crisp and lightly browned in the olive oil.

Transfer chicken and rosemary to a serving plate. Serve with Simply Potatoes mashed sweet potatoes and steamed broccoli.

THEN....

Refrigerate leftover chicken. Cut one breast into bite size pieces and toss with 2 cups freshly washed and chopped romaine, one washed and chopped roma tomato, 1/2 of one peeled, sectioned and chopped navel orange, 1/2 of one sliced avocado, and 1/4 cup cucumber slices. Drizzle with 1 Tbsp olive oil and 1/2 or 1 Tbsp of balsamic vinegar. Voile - a delectable salad for lunch!

It's Fun to Be a Kid Again... Whole-Wheat Honey Almond-Butter Waffles

The footage for Video #2 (Wasteland) is undergoing metamorphosis in my friend Max's Macintosh laboratory. Max has a couple remixes of my songs coming out soon as well.

And Video #3 (It's Not Enough) wraps tomorrow! We are moving FAST.

Video #3 involved the talents of a very sweet and truly inspiring little girl named Tiarra. Thank you to Tiarra and her family, as well as to our other talent, Brian, for your commitment and professionalism. Thank you also to Derek, the director, for his impeccable organization and preparation; we were actually ahead of our shoot schedule today. That NEVER happens. And thank you to Mikko (producer) and Julie (make-up artist) for your wonderful contributions as well.

So far, every video concept and approach has been entirely unique, and I am loving how it feels to jump in and go for it. It is SO fun to be working with so many talented professionals and downright good-hearted people.

Here is my take-home message of the day: Never grow up. PLAY. Happy thoughts can make you fly.

Everything always goes best in my life when I am living it, playing, and having fun doing it. Worrying won't fix troubling thoughts, but shifting into positive action will go a long way to set my mind at ease. In fact, my observation is that the most successful and the 'coolest' people I know in Hollywood are EXACTLY the ones who allow themselves to be genuine and to live their lives lightly. Being super serious and self-important is unsustainable... And unnecessary!

There's something so magical about being around children, because they haven't forgotten how to be natural yet. They live in the moment, they express their true feelings, and most of the time, all they want is to have fun and be loved. Little ones have great lessons to teach us if we are willing to tune in, listen, and remember.

Lately, I've started looking at the toy aisles in stores again... And getting excited! Remember how that felt? That's how life should be the majority of the time.

I'm really grateful for all the things that take me back and help me remember how easy it really is to just be... So that I can be more fully present now, and much more fulfilled.

Nutrition Breakdown:
This one is hearty, healthy and super easy. Whole-wheat = unrefined carbs = slower digestion, feeling full longer, and more stable blood sugar. It also equals fiber and a whole parade of vitamins and minerals.

Ditch the saturated fat of butter and massive sugar overloads of syrup. You get a dose of heart healthy fat (which helps lower cholesterol) and a fair amount of protein from the almond butter, and anti-oxidants from the honey. Plus some studies suggest that cinnamon can help rev your metabolism. If you're looking for a nutritious - and filling - twist on a favorite breakfast treat, this is it.

Whole-Wheat Honey Almond Butter Waffles

You'll need (per serving):

2 Eggo low-fat Nutrigrain or Whole-Wheat Waffles (other brands are fine, just always look for WHOLE wheat as the first ingredient on the package)
1-2 Tbsp Almond Butter
1-2 tsp Honey
1/2 tsp Cinnamon

Toast the waffles to desired crispiness, then divide almond butter between them and spread with a knife. Drizzle with honey and sprinkle with cinnamon.

Enjoy with fresh cut fruit (my favorite pairing is a sliced up banana and fresh raspberries).

Serve with 80z of low or non-fat ORGANIC milk, green tea or coffee.

Happy thoughts! :)

Ash

Sex and Insecurity... and Easy At-Home Indian Cuisine

Video #1 is wrapped!

We shot all day and it brought up so much for me to ponder.

First off - I feel good about it and had a lot of fun.

Secondly...

Video #1 is sexy/racy... And here's a pretty major confession: I did my first kissing scene EVER today. All of these years of 'acting' and I've ducked that one until now, actually. The truth is, I was SCARED.

I feel really fortunate: I surrounded myself with a really safe team of people, and nothing that happened today is anything I feel bad or unprofessional about. And that's important, because ultimately it is ME who needs to be able to live with myself and feel okay about my choices, and I am learning to figure out what *I* really feel and believe now. Somehow I really lost touch with knowing my own truth for a significant part of my life.

Quick credit: My love interest for this video was my friend Joel from an acting workshop, and I couldn't have picked a better guy to test my little wings with. Thank you, Joel. And thank you to the director, Brian, for providing me with a safe experimentation-realm, to Morgan for all of her help and female support, and to our make-up artist Nicole for all of her help and support (and for making me look my best) as well.

Back to grappling with sexy-sexy. So here are some of the thoughts that came up for me: "am I being a slut?", "will certain people hate me now?", "do I look fat?", "my scars show", "I look ugly", "am I setting a bad example (for little girls)?", "what if I'm really a terrible actor?", "am I selling out?", and SOOOO much more.

Devastating, painful thoughts. Rampant insecurity. I guess my answer to all that was to embrace the challenge and say "NO. I DO deserve to operate with the belief that I am a beautiful, empowered woman and I have NOTHING to feel bad about in being okay with loving my body (and ultimately myself) just as it is/I am." As I said, I didn't do anything 'unprofessional' or that I didn't feel comfortable with... I guess in a way I am exploring some of my limits and figuring out just how far is too far, what I am NOT willing to do.

For the sake of art, and for the sake of communicating stories, I must be willing to be honest and real. From the lyrics in my music to connecting with my center and letting my experiences be recorded on camera... Art and stories help people realize their OWN experiences (relate), and it seems important to me to be willing and brave enough to stand up and let that happen through me. And if I'm terrible... Well. I'll figure out how I feel as I go. That's the best I can do - try and see, right? Take (calculated) risks, assess the feedback. Forgive.

Anyway, I'm proud of myself. There are a lot of other challenges ahead - some of them athletic, some emotional, and most unforeseen. But today I really stepped out of my comfort zone, and I deserve credit for that alone. If you don't risk leaving where you're at, you can't get where you're going. I've got some pretty amazing places ahead, and I intend to take my crowd with me. ;)

Ahhh. (As in deep sigh of relief.)

This confession feels really good. I call myself a model, but I have all of these doubts. All of these compulsions designed to contain the fear - count calories (I stopped doing that - I'm trusting my BODY and listening to it these days), workout everyday, tweeze stray hairs, never leave the house without concealer - WHY? I am lovable simply because I exist. Simply for being me. Whatever ME is. AND SO ARE YOU!!!! SO ARE YOU!!! SO ARE YOU!!!

I want anybody reading this who resonates with it to know that this is my true experience. I know how horribly, life-destroyingly PAINFUL these negative thoughts and all of this self-doubt can be.

I don't have answers. I really don't presume to think I know that much. But I know I'm not alone. I know there are people who are safe and who love me as I am. I know that I deserve to love me as I am. I know that doing so is hard for me more often than I wish were true.

Also, I truly have so much love in my heart for YOU. I know we all hurt, even though we try to hide it. But I see it. I feel it. I wish I could be in all places and have time and be big enough to be available for everyone who is here for me, supporting me, reaching out to me... I love you and I am so humbled and so grateful. And I am here to validate your experiences and to let you know I care for you.

Please know that if ever you are hurting... or doubting... You are not alone. There are people who care.

Reach out.

Risk.

It's okay to do.

Easy At-Home Indian Cuisine

After a long day... Guess what? I don't want to cook! Here's another a little short-cut that really sets me right:

Amy's frozen Vegetable Korma - frozen (healthy) foods aisle at most stores - and a glass of low or non-fat organic milk

***Organic milk is free of bad hormones and antibiotics that are injected into non-organic cows... Just do a little googling to learn about all of the toxic effects of these practices. ALWAYS go for organic dairy products***

This whole product line (Amy's) is wonderful in my opinion. Tons of SUPER-yummy vegan/vegetarian/organic foods. Definitely check it out.

Now if you had a busy day like I did... Rest up and take good care. You deserve to feel fantastic. ;)

xo

Ash

Two Great Quotes

Anthony Kiedis, Wet Sand, Stadium Arcadium album - "My heart is hurting when I share; someone open up and let it show."

Derek Mok, MY guitarist (very wise Chinese man) - "Thoughts aren't good or bad - it's what you do with them."

again - xo

Pretty Porcelain in the Morning

Today, I'm off to shoot the first of the music videos for my contest (screening/CD release party 4/10 at AFI - see my website for details!).

I feel soooo nervous AND excited about all of this. I am being challenged to grow as a performer on so many levels - both with my music and being a rockstar on stage, and with my acting skills and ability to emote on screen.

I'm a bit rushed as I want to make it to set on time, but I do want to share a quick 'recipe' with you that I'm using to keep myself feeling camera ready.

Pretty Porcelain Skin:

Almost every day, right after I get done working out (sweating so my pores are open), I squeeze some fresh lemon juice into a little dish and swipe it over my face with a cotton ball. Watch out, as it can sting depending on the condition of your skin, the strength of the lemon, and your sensitivity.

The acids in the lemon juice act like a natural 'acid peel' - but gentler - and really help keep skin clear of congestion and breakouts.

Once I'm in the shower, I use an exfoliating scrub to help remove dead skin cells, and I finish up with an SPF face lotion.

I've read that you're really only supposed to exfoliate a couple times per week, but my skin seems to need it more often.

I recommend experimenting to figure out how frequently your own skin requires this treatment to benefit.

Might sound a little strange to put lemon juice on your face, but try it... I swear it works.

Wish me luck! I'll keep you 'posted' about my progress with the videos. :)

Starting the Day Out "Right"

Well...

Today was definitely another lesson for me in letting go of control. I *thought* I started the day out right - that if I could just set myself on the proper trajectory, everything would work out fine. Yes, God, I'm listening - only my choices are up to me. Other things won't always go my way (or the way I think they should) and I need to continue nourishing myself and enhancing my ability to adapt to stressful 'triggers' in healthy, positive, constructive ways.

Sometimes I am really impulsive. And sometimes I really regret my choices. Sometimes I put myself in stupid situations. I usually know better. Why (seemingly) can't I control my behavior if and when I DO know it's not apt to lead me where (I say) I want to go??

I have panic attacks. At least for the past half year, the overwhelming emotions and distorted thinking that define them have been seriously interfering with my ability to consistently do what I want to do when I want to do it.

If you aren't familiar with what panic attacks feel like (and they affect different people differently) allow me to try to illustrate the internal chaos I endure for the duration of my typical episodes.

A crescendo: a quiet haze pervading the perimeters of my consciousness, intensifying steadily... The fear begins - oh no, not again, oh no, not now, oh no no no no NO. At this point, if I am with someone safe I can try to alert them, but it becomes exceedingly difficult because as the panic grows, my ability to make eye contact or speak descends into an abyss of embarrassment and paranoia. Pretty soon EVERYTHING is too much... The only analogy I can draw is the way sounds and lights sometimes become unbearable when you have a hangover. Noises, people passing, the feel of air against my skin, a vibration in the floor, bright light... And there is no where to go to get away.

>>>Cut to Ashley crying and hyperventillating in a bathroom stall... Yep. Admittedly NOT a pretty picture. AT ALL.<<<

So (with some coaxing) I take medication (which I'm so angry about, but maybe that's just where I'm at in life right now and I have to accept it) and/or I just HOLD ON TIGHT. Literally. To a door frame, a pillow, a fence.

If I can get away and hide to ride it out, I do. Sometimes, panic and depression sweep me up into a morbid waltz that at worst has lasted weeks at a time. Dark weeks, sequestered in my house, shades drawn against the thoughts of death.

Pain helps - and yes, I recognize the illness in that. Pain that keeps me in my body. Blood that reminds I am here, now, real. Pain that separates the feelings from me - the innocent part of me that is feeling such monstrous... Loathing and dread.

I know this is very heavy subject matter... I promise to write of blissful things soon. But my blog is about being honest, and if anyone can relate, I want them to know they are not alone. I myself know these feelings all too well.

It's really hard when people reject you for being 'too much to handle', 'crazy', or whatever other label they might choose to give it: Ultimately, rejection is rejection. And it often has more to do with what someone sees reflected in YOU that THEY don't want to deal with or be open to in themselves than it does with who you are or your worth as a perfect, beautiful, loving and deserving human being. Imperfection IS perfection. We're all the same recycled energy and matter in ONE universe... How could anything, anyone, or any form be 'wrong'? Just a little... food for thought. ;)

But it does hurt. It hurts to be rejected, it hurts when the people and things you thought you could count on fall away... But it's like burning down what's false so that the truer, stronger structure that's underneath REALLY supporting you can shine through. Infinite goodness exists. It's our expectations that sometimes lead us to overlook it. With a universe so infinitely intelligent, what makes us presume that we can outsmart it?! I am SO guilty of that one. What a fool I am and have been - though now I try to laugh when I realize my folly instead of beating myself up for it. We're just silly little humans! How preposterous would it be for an ant to decide it should make honey when the bees obviously already know better? That's kind of how I feel about my relationship with God at this point, I guess, and it feels really good to surrender.

Anyway.

When my emotions get the better of me, I sometimes have to step back and allow myself to be where I am. That means reaching out (which is SO hard to do) and it also means being adaptable when my plans are no longer the most appropriate course of action considering what have become the current circumstances.

Today I had to accept the help and kindness of strangers. I had to trust people I was fearing and allow myself to be led.

And tonight, I am safe, tucked into bed with some tea, healing, looking forward to sleeping deeply and starting out tomorrow... if not right, at least... Fresh.

Blueberry-Banana Coconut Pancakes

Okay, kiddies - these ones are soooo good for you, and honestly require no butter or syrup because of their natural sweetness. You can also experiment with the ingredients to come up with gluten-free (substitute buckwheat mix) and dairy-free (substitute soymilk) options.

Some of the nutritional benefits include: whole-grain carbs (great for Serototonin production - one of the brain's important Neurotransmitters involved in mood and affect), fiber, tons of potassium and antioxidants from the fruit, protein, heart-protective fatty acids from Coconut oil, calcium from the milk, and much more.

Once you get the recipe down, these actually only take about ten minutes to make, and if you're savvy, you can make about six pancakes and have this wonderful breakfast (I recommend it with a warm cup of jasmine green tea) twice a week.

Here's what you'll need:

Whole-wheat or Bluckwheat Pancake Mix
2-4 eggs
At least one cup milk (1% or skim)
1-2 Tbsp Coconut Oil (can be found at Whole Foods)
1/4 cup shredded UNSWEETENED coconut (Health Food aisle or Whole Foods)
1/2 cup blueberries
1 or 2 medium bananas
canola oil cooking spray
griddle or large pan
spatula

Follow the directions on the pancake mix package depending on the number of pancakes you wish to make. Typically the measurements are something like 1 cup mix, 1 egg, 3/4 cup milk and 1 Tbsp (Coconut) oil.

Whisk or stir ingredients just until blended. You may want to add a couple extra table spoons of milk so that the batter has a thinner consistency (this will help pancakes to cook through).

Set griddle or pan on medium/low heat and let warm up a couple minutes.

(Again depending on your selected serving size) slice 1/4" thick rounds of one banana into batter. Add 1/4 cup blueberries. Add 1/8 cup shredded coconut. Stir all ingredients until blended.

Spray pan bottom with cooking spray and ladle approximately 1/4 cup portions of batter (with fruit) into pan. Be careful to keep pancakes separate, as they will expand. Once edges are firm and bubbles are forming on the surface of the pancakes, use the spatula to carefully flip the pancakes over and cook thoroughly on the second side.

Use spatula to move cooked pancakes onto serving plate and store in 200 degree oven. Coat pan or griddle bottom with cooking spray, ladle in batter and repeat process until all pancakes are prepared. Remove serving plate from oven (with an oven mit!) distribute pancakes to your morning compatriots, and enjoy!

They're perfect with a tall glass of orange juice, milk, or jasmine green tea.

xoxo

Ashley

My Public Diary... and Pine Nut Pizzettas

Hmmm.

Some heavy thoughts and some very happy ones are on my mind tonight.

My band just played the Method Fest opening party at Pierce College this evening on a beautiful open-air patio overlooking the lights of LA... And - hold up - interruption:

The music director, Toni Koch, just called me and told me she has my guitar... I left it!

Lol. Thank God I've got people looking out for me. Seriously. Thank you, God.

Anyway... The set went really well, and I'm hearing positive reviews, which feels wonderful. I guess maybe I am going to like this life I've created and am continuing to create for myself. Sometimes it's been so hard and scary to overcome my own self-limiting beliefs, but I'm getting used to operating from a healthier state of mind more often now.

On a bit heavier note, I got a little bummed out and over-tired yesterday night and part of today. And I just read that actor Andrew Koenig took his own life. That kind of news always hits really close to home for me.

Sometimes (most times, probably) we don't want to deal with conflict or painful experiences, and I think generally I do pretty well at staying positive and navigating right around a lot of things that I see other people stress themselves out over. I mean - when my attitude is positive (and when I meditate consistently!), I often don't even have negative experiences and things just seem to have a way of almost magically working out.

Like the other day - literally - I was meditating and having all of these thoughts about arranging catering for my CD Release party, and I hear this woman talking (I was at my gym) "etc etc etc etc CHEF etc etc", so I went and spoke to her, and we had all these things in common. She's tied in with Whole Foods (who might donate bags for the goodie bags anyway), and now we're talking about a little sponsorship deal where she'll likely come on board to provide desserts for my party.

Now, I wish I could say my life is always like that, everything works out, and it's perfect. But... it's not. Sometimes I get triggered and end up in emotional places that I don't want to be in - sad, dark, panicky places - and when that happens, my entire energy is thrown off to the extent that I can see the effect ripple through everything in my life. My interactions with others become awkward, I have a bad set, I lose my car keys. I eat a brownie and a bag of (really good kettle cooked) potato chips and go back to bed.

Here's my positive spin and my take home message for the day, though: I'm noticing that when I start to go to uncomfortable emotional places, I'm coming back from them quicker and with much less damage than before. I really wish it didn't still happen, but it's something I'm going to have to learn to surrender to for the rest of my life. I'm not in control, and all I can do is take positive steps like trying to be forgiving with myself and telling the truth about what I'm going through so I can stop the cycle of isolation and self-destructive behavior. Of course, I have to be very selective about who I surround myself with: people that make me feel safe and supported so that I can take those positive steps and so that I have a positive social environment to come back to. Figuring out who those people are has been a learning curve for me - all I can say is: trust your gut. What feels good is, and what doesn't, isn't.

It's a funny balance: on the one hand, we have to know who we are and not accept less quality than we deserve in the ways we let people treat us and the environments and experiences we subject ourselves to, but on the other hand, it doesn't work to try to control people, environments or experiences.

Here's my current method of coping... It's really pretty simple. I choose not to engage in or with things that make me feel bad (we don't have to take the bait if someone picks a fight, we don't have to talk to someone who hurts our feelings, and we don't have to feel bad for not talking to them). The more we orient ourselves toward enjoyable interactions, the more those become our personal status quo.

My dad said to me once, "Life isn't about figuring out what you like or want to do so much as it is just a process of eliminating what you don't like." Smart guy.

Once I let go of trying to control everything, and just go with what is, things seem to have a way of working themselves out.

God (or the Universe, or whatever you like) is definitely smart. A lot smarter than me.

I'm just glad my guitar is coming home!

Here's a yummy treat: Pine Nut Pizzettas

2-3 Earthgrains 100% Whole Wheat Thin Buns
1 package mozzarella cheese (the good kind - it's usually packaged in water)
1 roma tomato
1 yellow heirloom tomato
4-6 cups fresh baby spinach
1 package fresh basil leaves
2 Tbsp pine nuts
olive oil
cookie sheet

Set oven to 450

Heat a medium-sized pan for a couple of minutes on medium/medium-high heat. Add olive oil and swirl around to cover bottom of pan. Separate bun halves, and when oil is hot, place face down in pan (you may need to just do 2 at a time). Toast buns for several seconds to a minute, and remove from pan with a fork or spatula when the face-side of the bun becomes golden-brown. Place buns face-side up on a foil-lined cookie sheet.

Turn heat to medium/medium-low and add spinach to the pan. Cook, stirring frequently, until spinach has wilted through. Turn off heat and set aside.

On a cutting board, dice freshly washed tomatoes and coarsely chop the basil. Slice the cheese in half, and starting at the inside, cut 4-6 1/4 inch circular slices, plus several more.

Arrange the cheese slices on the buns, breaking them apart and adding extra as needed to mostly cover the bun surface. Divide the spinach between the buns, and arrange it on top of the cheese. Sprinkle the tomatoes and basil evenly between the buns, then sprinkle pine nuts on top.

Place the cookie sheet in the oven and bake until the cheese has just started to melt but is not bubbling (about 5 minutes).

Remove from oven, serve, and enjoy!

Makes 4-6 pizzettas, about 225 calories each.

Gratitude and Attitude... Thanks Before Food

Today I can't help but be awe-struck at the amazing influx of blessings in my life.

My friends and colleagues inspire and astound me. Fortuitous turns of events shock and overwhelm me.

Even the simple things evoke my gratitude, like the wonderful vegan stew my friend Claire cooked for dinner and shared with myself and our other friend Claudia after we meditated. No, that's not the recipe for tonight. ;)

On a daily basis now, I am brushing shoulders with well-known companies and individuals - ones you've probably heard of - and adjusting to the fact that this is probably going to be pretty standard routine from here on out.

For those of you who might want some examples, Twilight just finished filming at my good friend's apartment, where we held a business meeting as the crew finished striking the set. Another friend is an editor at the CW Network, and driving up Vine Street, I saw a billboard advertising "Menage a Tuesday" - a clever marketing tagline he'd mentioned to me months earlier. That's just scratching the surface, and hopefully it fairly satisfies any itch you might have had. It feels unbecoming to me to harp about it.

Anyway, I have myriads of good news, some of which I can't share yet... But I will soon, and it's MAJOR.

All of this abundance and bliss is a glorious joy ride, but I'd be putting on airs if I didn't also admit that it shines a light on a fearful little part of myself that I would rather not acknowledge.

Amidst everything wonderful happening, there is still a part of me that questions my deserving power and my ability to handle the great responsibility that a - growing - public image demands.

There's a part of me that sometimes hesitates to pick up the phone ("that person wouldn't want to talk to me", "what do I know") or fears that all of the blessings and opportunities in my life will fall through ("this is too good to be true", "I can't count on this", "I'm going to **** it up", "I'm a fraud").

This part of me is much healthier and less influential than it was in the past, but I still hear its voice unsettling me to varying degrees as I go about my business. And it scares me doubly that this fearful, destructive part of me might get the best of my thinking at some point in the future. Whenever I start fearing in that way, however, I just try to remind myself that my fears aren't happening NOW, and if they do happen, I will deal with them when they are. Some of this I just have to understand I don't have control of and then let go.

I don't have cure-alls for anything, and all I know is my experience. I'm just human. All I know is that it seems to help me a lot to reach out - even when it's the LAST thing I feel like I want to do - when my fear and doubt pop up. We're ALL just human, and there seem to be so many hands to reach for when I'm actually ready to be honest and ask for help.

Funny enough, when you reach out enough and build a system of support around you long enough... It starts reaching back for you.

These are just my thoughts for the day, I guess. I'm profoundly grateful, and I'm also practicing awareness so that my attitude doesn't interfere with (but instead facilitates) having fun and doing what I love for a living.

At the end of the day, there's nothing like a moment of prayer and a nourishing dinner with friends.

Read on for one of my favorites... this one is for the 'pescetarians'. That's vegetarian + fish. ;)

Here's the nutrition low-down:
Wild salmon is lower in dangerous mercury and other toxins than its farm-raised cousins, and is also high in Omega-3 fatty acids that are essential for brain function, healthy skin, and known for reducing inflammation. Research indicates that fish oils and the EPA and DHA contained in them can help remedy mild depression... They certainly can't hurt! Plus, all of these fatty acids are essential for fetal brain development, just in case you want to give your little ones a 'head' start someday.

Leeks, mushrooms and potatoes all qualify as fresh produce, and all fresh produce contains bountiful amounts of various vitamins and minerals that help your body function optimally. Sorry, but I'm too tired to research in detail on each ingredient tonight. The main thing I aim for in my diet is that the balance of my intake comes from fresh vegetables, fruits and whole grains (brown rice, oats, bran, whole wheat, etc) with lean protein like fish, eggs, tofu, nuts and dairy (plain low-fat greek yogurt is sooooo good for you!) at every meal or snack (protein helps you feel satisfied longer).

Pink Peppercorn Salmon with Roasted Leeks, Mushrooms and Potatoes

2 4-6oz boneless wild-caught salmon fillets
1 medium navel orange
1/4 cup diced green onion
2 Tbsp honey
2 tsp pink peppercorns (available at Whole Foods)
pinch of sea salt
1/2 tsp garlic powder
2 tbsp olive oil
cookie sheet

6-8 baby red potatoes
2 leeks
1 package white or brown mushrooms
2 Tbsp green onion
1 head of garlic - peeled, cleaned and cloves cut in halves
2 tsp Italian seasoning
1 tsp sea salt
1 tsp onion powder
1/4 cup olive oil
1 gallon size bag
shallow glass casserole dish

Heat oven to 450

Thoroughly wash potatoes, leeks and mushrooms. Cut potatoes into 1/8ths (cut in half, then cut each half in half again, then cut those pieces in half once more). Place in bag. Cut off and discard bottom 1 inch and top 2-3 inches of leeks. Slice leek into 1/2 inch rings starting at the base and moving upward. Wash again thoroughly - there is always dirt between the layers of leeks. Place in bag. Cut mushrooms in half and place in bag. Add olive oil, sea salt, Italian seasoning, onion powder and garlic cloves. Zip bag and shake to cover vegetables. Pour vegetables into casserole dish, cover with foil, and bake for 45min-1hr.

When potatoes are soft enough to cut apart with a fork, remove foil, set the oven to 'broil' and let bake approximately 10 more minutes or until vegetables are golden on top.

+++

While the veggies are baking, you can prepare and bake the salmon so everything ends up ready together! :)

Line a cookie sheet with aluminum foil and place freshly-rinsed fillets skin side down on top. Sprinkle fish with garlic powder and sea salt. Drizzle the honey over the fish. Next, slice the navel orange in half, and cut about 4 slices from one of the halves. Place the slices over the fish so that most of the fish is covered. Sprinkle the fish with the pink peppercorns and diced green onion, then drizzle with the olive oil. Squeeze the remaining orange halves over the fish. Finally, cover the fish with another sheet of foil and fold it under the outside edges of the pan.

Place fish in oven and cook for about 20 minutes. Fish is done when it flakes apart easily with a fork.